The Top Five Ways To Tell When A Pregnancy Is A Fuck You

First it was a trans-man getting pregnant, now a teenage pregnancy pact. The media says it’s all Hollywood’s fault. That babies have become the new glamour accessory. From where we’re sitting, pregnancy is the new act of rebellion. A big, round fuck you to the establishment, to parents who just don’t understand, to all those player hatin’ bitches who wanna hold a sistah down. (We don’t know.) After the jump, we’ve compiled a check-list of the top five ways you can tell if you or your partner are carrying a blessed event or a big old eff to the you to the beee. That stands for babeee, son! (Please shut us up.)

1. If you spent thousands of dollars and untold emotional energy on medical and legal procedures so that the world would be compelled to see you as a man only to get yourself pregnant and appear on Oprah, you might be carrying a fuck you.

2. If you and 16 of your high school classmates returned time after time to the school nurse for a pregnancy test, high fiving each other when the results were finally positive, even going so far as to sleep with a homeless man to get the job done, you might be carrying a fuck you.

3. If you got pregnant by your gazillionaire boyfriend before you even worried about getting a ring, you’re actually carrying a big, fat FUCK YEAH!

4. If you got impregnated with twins by the hottest man on earth after you already had his daughter and adopted one of every flavor from all over the globe, you might be carrying a double fuck you. To Jennifer Aniston, implied.

5. Finally, if you conceived a baby with Xenu, you’re actually carrying a fuck me. Seek out Mia Farrow for advice.

Any other ‘fuck you pregnancy’ symptoms you can think of? Let us know in the comments.