Kissing is fun! It’s a great way of showing affection or passion or that you have been infected with mono. However, it can quickly turn from a sweet or sexy gesture to a slimy, creepy means of spreading cold sores and cringes.

We thought, as a public service of sorts, that we’d take it upon ourselves to show you all the 7 Grossest Kissing Techniques so that you can avoid looking like an asshole or a loser or a loose asshole in public.

Yes, you’re welcome:

7. Kissing Before Aroused Gawkers

Far be it from us to pass judgment on others for their repulsive and distracting instances of PDA. But this “love bite” administered by Naomi Campbell to boyfriend-who-is-not-Hugo-Chavez, Vladislav Doronin, is nasty. Although, judging from their neighbor-friend’s bathing suit, we are clearly alone in our disgust.

6. Doggy Kisses

We know it’s always super tempting to just scrunch up a wittle bitty doggy’s face and cover it with kisses, but keep in mind that dogs drink out of toilets and eat their own feces.

5. Kissing With Teeth

Anyone who has played “Seven Minutes In Heaven” while 14 and brace-faced knows that this kissing technique is especially dangerous, and not only because it looks like one person is a voracious face-eater while the other is less than enthused.

4. Open-Eyed Kissing

We were going to originally title this no-no “Kissing While Eva Longoria,” but that would have been mean. But, seriously? Open-eyed kissing is creepy. If you ever catch someone doing it, it’s difficult not to imagine he’s thinking of how pretty a merkin your hair would make.

3. Tongue Kissing

Can you see The Hep leaping from one tonsil to another? It’s even got a little top hat and nipple tassels.

2. Kissing While Dumb

Vanessa Hudgens is so silly and edgy and sledgy, no? It’s so cute when girls engage in faux lesbian shenanigans to draw attention to themselves. Wouldn’t also be super adorable to incite slurs and insults while holding your girlfriend’s hand in public or having your parents cry or scream when you come out? Kewt!!!!!

1. Unrequited Kissing

Hair pulling is only hot when it’s consensual. And Tom Cruise is only hot if you’re a rentboy in a Turkish bath house circa Top Gun.