Imagine the worst thing in the world. Being eaten alive by a colony of angry fire ants? Discovering you’ve contracted a UTI halfway on a flight to Japan? Working as J-Lo’s assistant? None of these are even close. Because the worst, the very worst, thing in the world is being Camila Alves and giving birth while Matthew McConaughey is on some sort of incredibly annoying shroom trip. The new father described how his girlfriend gave birth to son Levi:

“We found a great rhythm,” Matthew tells OK! about the delivery of baby Levi. “Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music.”

You can be sure we would have wrapped said legs around around his torso and squeezed until he turned various shades of eggplant. Didn’t he get arrested for playing bongo drums while high? What is it with this guy and drums? But, aw, then shit turned all cute and supportive-like:

“I have it all chronicled,” he explained. “Becoming a dad is something I’ve dreamed of doing since I was 10. Becoming a father felt very, very natural. We were jamming! She was sweating. No painkiller, let’s go. She just clicked into that gear that only a woman has at a time like this. We’d been up for 40-something hours, and we went from dead tired to a really steadfast, ‘Let’s handle this… let’s stay in the rhythm. Don’t let the contraction be more than you.’”

We never thought we’d have to say this but, guys? If you happen to be around if and when we pop out a womb hobbit, we have but one request: No. Drums.

World Exclusive: Matthew & Camila’s Baby Boy! [Ok!]