In the market for hemorrhoid ointment, wart remover and vaginal weights, but feel too embarrassed to shop for them in public? Well, grow the fuck up. Or visit “Shop in Private dot com,” a website chock full of products that mostly have to do with hair and private parts:

ShopInPrivate.com is the world’s most private store. We specialize in finding items that are embarrassing to buy in person. We sell these items in the most private manner possible. Every aspect of your shopping experience is completely private. Privacy is our corporate specialty. Afterall, ShopInPrivate.com is a division of PriveCo, the world’s most private company.

Yes, but is it private? Customers can — privately — shop through products in various categories like “Embarrassing Products”, “Hard to Find Items”, “Adult Incontinence” and “Enemas and Douche Bags.” Kind of like going to a bar. Want to see our personal shopping list? It’s after the jump:

Vaginal Weights - $124.78

It’s not that we have a particularly capacious vulva or anything like that, we just want to make our vagina so tight that it can snap things off. It’s annoying to always have to carry around bottle openers or cigar cutters.

Douche Bag With Enema Attachments - $17.99

It’s not gross or embarrassing, you guys! Its common courtesy for whoever is planning to participate in that train you’re going to pull this weekend. (Although, seriously, ladies, don’t ever douche. Vaginas are self-cleaning and introducing a lot of water or other liquids into it will damage your happy chocha environment and lead to yeast infections or excessive vaginal dryness. So don’t do it.)

Fart Pills - $12.99

We’re not really sure about this. On the one hand, our farts are often rancid because we only ever eat cold pizza, Doritos and refried beans from a can. But, then again, there’s nothing like a particularly nasty Dutch Oven to wake up your boyfriend on a Sunday morning. That’s just what love is. Also, we’re really amused that these fart pills don’t stop farts, they just allow you to keep on laying them without anyone noticing. Sneaky!

Mucus Clearing Device - $54.99

You know how, sometimes, you’ll laugh really hard and a booger comes flying out, sometimes landing on or around the vicinity of someone’s face? It’s a good way to make a party awkward fast. Especially when that party is a funeral.

“Coochy Shave” Cream - $9.99

Because while our pleather leggings scream “liberal arts school graduate, 2008,” in our pants, there’s a whisper of “Hustler spread, 1974.”

[Shop In Private]