If you’re like us, you’re being made by your publisher and the almighty traffic gods and all that is wrong with America to follow the continuing clusterfuck saga of the saddest excuse for a husband who ever lived—Alex Rodriguez. Which mannish blonde is he schtupping now? Where is his wife Cynthia? And just what does love or Lenny Kravitz got to do with it? The answers to all these questions and more are after the jump in easy-to-digest bullet form. Just like the ones flying out of the figurative AK-47 A-Rod has repeatedly opened up on his poor wife’s heart ever since the day he met her.

• A-Rod was spotted entering Madonna’s Central Park West Apartment late at night by who knows who.
• Cynthia hit the fan and said that’s it, I’m going to Paris to chill at Lenny Kravitz’s apartment, like you do. Meanwhile, we speculated on the implications of Madonna’s well documented love of a little cafe con her leche.
• Everyone started saying C-Rod is schtupping the Kravz. He was in Germany on tour and emphatically denied it.
• Eventually, but not too quickly, Madonna surfaced to deny she has crossed the borderline with A-Rod or that her and Guy Ritchie are splitting up. (Did we mention that rumor?)
• But not before Cynthia and her physical trainer told all the papers that A-Rod has been brainwashed by Kabbalah and Madonna. (That rhymes. Coincidence???)
• Also, Madonna’s protestations did nothing to stop Cynthia from hiring high profile (though we’d never heard of him) celebrity Texas “super lawyer” Earle Lilly to her team of legal pitbulls. They filed divorce papers for her Monday in Dade County, Florida where the couple owns a home and where apparently C-Rod lives. (Hello! No wonder yo man be looking for ho’s in his area code, fool.)
• We found out Cynthia signed a pre-nup before she married Alex. And we called her an idiot.
• Today A-Rod finally speaks. Or wags a finger, anyway, at the paparazzi outside his Park Avenue home. Says Cynthia’s not letting him see his two daughters. We don’t really feel sorry for him, but we do feel sorry for them. Adopt us instead! We’re mature enough to handle the pain. Daddy.

‘BRAINWASHED’ KABBAL-PLAYER [NY Post]
Kravitz denies affair with A-Rod’s wife [FOX Sports]