Beauty! It’s something you can never accomplish, you crusty hag, without the use of complicated gadgetry, ever-evolving techniques and millions of dollars spend on products like face cream made from the ejaculate of endangered albino sea turtles. Hence, the “2008 Diet And Beauty Fair,” held in Japan.

Fun! And probably completely unnecessary!

Check out our Top 5 Best Worst Beauty Regimens From The 2008 Diet And Beauty Fair (long title, yes), after the jump:

e-Nail

Enjoy pictures of things? Like, say, your boyfriend? Or a plate of spaghetti? Or a LOLcat? Well, why not wear it on your nail! “Because it’s tacky?” No! “Tacky” is a concept coined by the upper class designed to keep you down. With e-Nail, you can scan super classy images — like of diamonds or naked firemen — and print them out to wear on your nails.

Alex-S

Besides having a hot name, the Alex-S uses near-infrared rays and an electromagnetic bed to aid dieting. How, you ask? Shut up, fatty!

Sparkle 1000

Pretty alert! This product uses a face mask soaked in carbonated water to improve blood circulation. Helpful at-home hint: For the same effect on a budget, simply dip your head in a toilet full of Coca-Cola. You’re welcome!

Eclat Shower

Sit in this freezing “nano mist” shower to aid metabolism. Or ice your nipples and sit in the rain. Try this at parties.

Salt Studio

Sit on tiles made of salt! In a hot, humid room! Now! Skeptical? Hesitant? Well. If it works for bacon, the most beautiful of cured breakfast meats, it will certainly work for you.

diet and beauty fair tokyo [JAMD]