Guess what?! Another season of “Dancing With The Stars” is close upon us and we positively cannot wait not to watch it. No Mario Lopez? No Cristian de la Fuente? Not even a George Lopez?! No Latinos at all? No thank you.

They do, however, have huge, throbbing stars (“stars”) on hand, though - like Kim Kardashian! And Lance Bass! And Toni Braxton! And other people we totally thought we dead.

We think the shows’ fans can express the awe and marvel that come with watching the show better than we can. For example, take this query from the show’s message board written by a concerned viewer over the mystery wrapped in an enigma that is Kim Kardashian: :

please tell me the rumours aren’t true. why would ABC, the family friendly network, choose a person to be on this program who is NOT A CELEBRITY? her only claim to fame is a x rated flick she made and SOLD for profit. i have watched this program since season 1 but WILL NOT WATCH if they select this person to perform…how would they even introduce her?

We think the answer lies in “her only claim to fame is an X-rated flick.” In the words of a certain philosopher, “A handjob is still a job.” Curious about the rest of this season’s Latino-less cast? Well, tough:

Lance Bass
PROFESSION:
Pop star, astronaut (you may remember is unsuccessful venture into space, relevance)

WHY HE’S THERE:
It’s about time ABC catered to this country’s “decidedly unfabulous gay” contingent.

Toni Braxton
PROFESSION:
R&B star and Broadway actress

WHY SHE’S THERE:
So judges can make the inevitable “Good luck out there! Unbreak a leg!” joke.

Brooke Burke
PROFESSION:
Actress, host, entrepreneur

WHY SHE’S THERE:
Her publicist is sleeping with producers.

Rocco DiSpirito
PROFESSION:
Celebrity chef, author and reality TV star

WHY HE’S THERE:
He’s probably broke.

Maurice Greene
PROFESSION:
Olympic gold medalist

WHY HE’S THERE:
He’s probably bored.

Kim Kardashian
PROFESSION:
Actress, model and reality television star

WHY SHE’S THERE:
She’s light on her feet. Wink.

Cloris Leachman
PROFESSION:
Actress

WHY SHE’S THERE:
She told us already.

Cody Linley
PROFESSION:
Actor

WHY HE’S THERE:
Because his role on “Hannah Montana” won’t attract the coveted Midwestern housewife demographic, now will it?

Susan Lucci
PROFESSION:
Actress and entrepreneur

WHY SHE’S THERE:
Because Susan Lucci is allowed to do whatever the fuck she wants.

Misty May-Treanor
PROFESSION:
Olympic gold medalist

WHY SHE’S THERE:
Because America loves female volleyball players.

Ted McGinley
PROFESSION:
Actor

WHY HE’S THERE:
He probably hasn’t had a good meal since his turn in Revenge of the Nerds.

Jeff Ross
PROFESSION:
Comedian

WHY HE’S THERE:
Who? Oh. Who cares.

Warren Sapp
PROFESSION:
Former Defensive Lineman

WHY HE’S THERE:
To get our number. Hi!

Stars [Dancing With The Stars]