The US News & World Report College Rankings Issue is out today and while some say it’s an arbitrary, money-making scam, those of us whose alma maters rank in the top 50 base a great deal of our self-esteem on knowing that we went to a better school than our boss. [Ed: And paid less money!] The following
Guanabee staff evaluation is based on the “National Universities Rankings” with national universities being defined as “offering a full range of undergraduate majors, plus master’s and Ph.D. programs, and emphasize faculty research.” (Whereas liberal arts colleges “focus almost exclusively on undergraduate education. They award at least 50 percent of their degrees in the arts and sciences.” And everyone there is a hipster tool with no marketable skills.) After the jump see how your editors’ colleges, and therefore your editors, rank. Then judge us silently, or audibly, in the comments section.

#1 Associate Editor Alex Alvarez
Alma Mater: #8 Columbia University
New York, NY
Score 90 Tier 1

What can we say? We hire up. And though the two youngest editors on our staff are both Columbia grads, Alex gets the #1 position for having the most Guanabee time under her belt. And for coining the phrase, “Awko taco.”

#2 Contributing Editor Camilla Rowan
Alma Mater: #8 Columbia University
New York, NY
Score 90 Tier 1

Ain’t that a bitch? Whitey McWhite is here one week and she’s already ranked above most of us. Seriously, though, if she eats the chinchilla, we will so declare her queen. For a day anyway.

#3 Editor Cindy Casares
Alma Mater: #47 University of Texas—Austin
Austin, TX
Score 57 Tier 1

Whoa, hope you didn’t hurt yourself on that long drop from #8 to #47. As usual, middle management are a bunch of chowderheads or in this case menudoheads, but that’s why Cindy always has a policy of hiring smarter than herself. In fact, Guanabee would have hired some grads from the #1 ranked Harvard, but their students elected Daddy Yankee Latino of the Year. A fact we don’t think U.S. News & World Report is aware of.

#4 Editor-At-Large Daniel Mauser
Alma Mater: #53 George Washington University
Washington, DC
Score 53 Tier 1

This is becoming a trend. The level of our staff’s education seems to be in inverse proportion to level of power they hold at the site. (Daniel is also Guanabee’s publisher.) Luckily, the annual in-state tuition for UT is $8,000 a year vs. $35,000 a year for GW, a fact that will help one middle manager sleep a little better tonight.

#5 Contributing Editor Gabriel Caro
Alma Mater: University of Puerto Rico, Rio Piedras—Unranked
San Juan Puerto Rico

U.S. News & World Report doesn’t even consider Puerto Rico in its rankings which is a load of xenophobic bullshit. Still, we’re not giving up our higher spots. Sorry, Gabriel. But you get to write all about sex, which is one of the perks of having everyone think you’re a savage from the islands.

So what do you guys think? Right on? Bullshit? And how did your school fare in the report? Let us know.

Best Colleges 2009 National Universities Rankings [U.S. News & World Report]