Robert Infantino fancies himself “Long Island’s Favorite Magician,” performing tricks like juggling, illusions and filming little girls as they undress. He’s been arrested after a mother and her two daughters, ages 10 and 14, noticed a camera filming them as they changed outfits for a photoshoot at Mr. Magic’s home office. Oooh, the mystery! A quick peek at Infantino’s MySpace shows he was never a huge fan of clothes anyway:

“I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?”

Oh you jokester! A true Renaissance man, Infantino also took to writing short stories on his MySpace blog, like many terrible people do. One of these stories is entitled “Cindy Patterson and the Sixth Grade Dance.” Which is kind of like Ulysses, but better. So gather ‘round, poodles, and let’s embark on a quest to amagical land where an (alleged!) tendency for pedophilia is disguised as schmaltzy young adult fiction:

Joey didn’t know much, but he did know one thing to be truer than anything else: Cindy Patterson was the prettiest girl in Mrs. Leath’s sixth grade class. He wasn’t sure anyone else believed it to be true, but when he was close to her, his heart made him believe it to be true, for sure.

That’s a fine-ass sixth grader! Let’s hear some more about her:

He wasn’t sure anyone else in his class thought she was beautiful, but to him she was. She had dark rimmed glasses, long blonde hair that went straight down her back and she almost always wore a dress to school…very classy. She seemed to Joey to be the nicest girl he’d ever met. When she spoke to him, it was with a gentle calm, with a feeling of caring and compassion, who knows, maybe even with love (if that was something Joey even knew the feeling of at eleven years old).

Yes, it’s always the more vulnerable ones desperate to hear that they are pretty that make the best victims crushes. More storytime! What about an excerpt from “Reconciliation?” It’s like Nabokov (Lolita is listed as one of his favorite books. Imagine!) for lonely Long Islanders. Emphasis ours:

And then, for Christine and the rest of this world, the unthinkable happens: at approximately 7:30 pm, a time usually dark enough to need headlights and street lamps, a time when most school children are getting ready for bed, a time when the sun is nowhere to be found, the unimaginable happens - the sun starts to shine!

Some start praying thinking it’s the end of the world. For me, without Christine, it might as well be. I’m the only one casually walking to my car (if it’s still there). Christine is running to me. “Honey, what’s going on? This is crazy? Don’t go, please stay.”
“I can’t…I have to go now.”
“Why? What’s happening?”
“Just know that I love you. I’ll always love you. I wish this were a different world, I wish you and I were in a different time and place. But it’s not…we’re not.”

Moral of the story? If you’re going to (allegedly!) exploit young girls, it’s best not to write love stories about them on your MySpace while also featuring various photos posing with young girls, regardless of whether or not your vocation puts you in contact with children. Doesn’t much help your image. Also? The Learning Annex provides writing courses.

Presto! Magician Accused of Planting Secret Camera to Film Mom, Daughters Undressing [Fox News]
Bob Infantino [MySpace]