Think having an exploding swan ice sculpture that flies and shoots out bubbles makes your quinces cool? What about having a theme - like “Disney Diva Delights in Denim” or “Winter Wonderland Whores?” Well, wipe off that cara de mierda, loser, and scream at your mom to order you a dancing gaggle of boys in hair gel, immediately, or else everything will be ruined. Seriously, inviting dance troupes as escorts is the new trend in quinces parties. To wit:

“Tenemos una sorpresa,” the emcee tells the crowd. “We have a surprise.”

OMG, WHAT IS IT?!:

Sweet Sensation Cadets run onto the floor – a dozen teenage boys with spiky hair, spotless white tennis shoes and diamond-studded ears.

Aaaaiiiiieeeee!!!

The girls scream as the professional dance group bounces, steps and flips to a mix of hip-hop and Latin music. Sometimes, the dancing becomes sexually suggestive.

Ay, OMG OMG OMG! I luf you!!!

Yes, magnificent. There is nothing we could have dreamed of more than having some guy in gloves touch us accidentally on purpose while our 15-year-old self wondered if we were blushing / breaking out in zits / gay for not liking any of these guys, ever. This trend, however, seems to be popular only in Texas, along with pronouncing nuclear “nukular:”

Alberto Serna, publisher of Quinceañeras y Novias magazine, says the addition of cadets to the modern quinceañera is unique to Texas and most popular in Dallas.

“I can tell you straight [Ed. note: What are you saying?!],” he says. “In other states, no one has cadets.”

Cadet crews first appeared in Dallas about 10 years ago. Sweet Sensation and a dozen more dance crews like it count on a simple formula: Girls like cute guys in uniform who can dance well. And they will persuade their parents to hire them.

They do? They will?

Parents pay $1,000 to $2,000 for seven to 14 cadets to escort their daughter to the quinceañera – typically called “the 15.” They roll to the party in flashy limousines, sit at the head table with the “15 girl” and pose for photos. The package includes dance lessons for the girls, and each cadet earns $50 to $80 per party.

Our parents would have given us a cardboard Burger King crown and half a Hershey Bar and said, “Here, mijita. Happy birthday. Are you thinking about colleges yet?” We would have totally missed out on the awesomeness that is random rave moves without the benefit of being on E:

Teen cadet dance crews as escorts are all the rage at Hispanic girls’ coming-of-age parties [Dallas News]