There’s A Party In Our Mouth (And Everybody’s Coming): Guanabee Turns 1 Year And 2 Months Old, ZOMG!!!!!

Guanabee turned one year old in June, but we’re Latino and timely like that. So, given that we’re always looking for reasons to get crunk and celebrate “milestones”, here are the most memorable 10 stories of the past year that made us cry, laugh, vomit, swear off drugs, binge eat, relapse, and fall in love all over again. Join us as we light a big, fat candle on our birthday bukkake and go down memory lane:

• What Once Was Lost, Now Is Found: The Noelia Sex Tape (Featuring Noelia): There is not much to add about Puerto Rican “singer” Noelia’s amateur excursion into the “art” video market that hasn’t been said before (or analyzed to death), but after all is said and cum, we really admire Noelia for her ability to rise above it all, particularly her douchemeister father-in-law. After all, it was Noelia’s chocha that catapulted Guanabee into the blog stratosphere. And for that reason alone we light a little candle to Noelia’s ladyparts every time we get paid. We probably wouldn’t be here without her.



• Meet Thomas Beatie. He’s Pregnant: Truth be told, we have nothing but love and respect for this man. He’s had to survive homophobia, transphobia, pageants, Oprah, and hate from most media outlets. Just that makes him a star in our eyes. In a way, Thomas Beatie pushes the last (ahem) impenetrable boundary: gender definition. And while people argue about the “acceptability” and biological feasibility of a man giving birth, he just carries on trying to live a full, loving life. Thank you Beatie for expanding the heterosexist gender boundaries and being who you are. All of us who’ve ever felt different thank you.



• The Victoria Lindsay, Teen Beating, Video: Every once in a while we cover stories that make us absolutely cringe and crawl under our Slankets with a bottle of peppermint schnapps. This is one such story. In case you weren’t paying attention, Florida teenager Victoria Lindsay was videotaped being physically assaulted to unconsciousness. The bitches who beat Victoria did so in retaliation over comments she had made on MySpace about a girl. The same girl who then took it upon herself to videotape herself beating the crap out of Victoria with the purpose of uploading the video on YouTube. Nice. And yeah, we hate MySpace. And violence. And sometimes Florida.



• Faceplant: Facebook Water Fight Turns Violent As Woman Is Punched And Children Thrown Off Horses: Daniel forced us to get Facebook accounts (you know, the better to “network with). What we weren’t expecting was for the ersatz “face” in Facebook to be such a vicious and violent one. We don’t quite understand what exactly happened here other than we saw a man punching a woman in the face for spilling juice on him. Oh and since that wasn’t Buñuel enough, some kids were thrown off their horses. Nonetheless, we think it is no coincidence that the two violent items on this list are also closely associated with social networking sites. Coinkidink? We don’t think so.



• What Brazilians Boys Do In Their Free Time: What’s better, or more hypnotizing, than a bunch of cute boys from Brazil gyrating their underwear-veiled manpoles? Nothing, that’s what. And after watching that video about 89 times in slow motion we still don’t understand what that whole dance craze called “cueca funk” is all about. Excuse us while we go watch it again.



• I WANT TO HIRE YOU FOR MY QUINCES: From the comfort of our old age we can safely say that we have very few regrets in life. But among those things that we wish we had done was attend beautiful Pepzi’s quinceañera’s party. Who’s Pepzi, you say? No it’s not the Dominican competitor to Coca-Cola. It’s even more effervescent. And caps-locky: “HEY, MY NAME IS HEPZIBAH COTA. BUT MOST PEOPLE CALL ME PEPZI. I WAS SENDING THIS MESSEGE BECAUSE I NEED SOMEONE FOR M PARTY…” And thus began our love affair with this small and innocent creature from Florida. Turns out young Pepzi was looking for somebody to dance and “perform” at her quince so she naturally called us, given that we’re renowned for our dancing skillz. Jealous, much? Sadly we didn’t go to her party. And we regret it like nothing else.



• Yale Art Student Aliza Shvarts Aborts All Over The Art World: Who says nothing good ever came out of New Haven? Yaley “Art” student Aliza Shvarts (which is, by the way, the best Heeb drag queen name ever), supposedly got pregnant and then induced abortion in order to use her miscarriagey blood to do art and stuff. And as if abortions-as-senior-art-projects weren’t painful enough, she wrote about it. And like most horrible memes that won’t die, it inspired a line of jewelry. And contests. And therapy.



• We Hired A Mexican To Wait In Line For Our iPhones:
  When the first iPhone came out (you know, the one that weighs a ton and surfs the web at dial-up speed) the lines at the Apple store were insane. Therefore, we wisely “hired” a cute little Mexican to wait in line for us. Mostly because we had more important things to do, like watch Univision in our underwear. But we did manage to get out and mingle with the other losers people waiting in line. Like Whoopi Goldberg. And “Do The Right Thing” director Spike “Jonze”.



• Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez Wants You To Know She Slept With Pulitzer Prize-Winning Junot Diaz, But Not That She Hates His Book Contrary to popular belief, we’re not really into books. Or littersure. But nothing perks us up more than scandal. When Dirty Girl’s Social Club author Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez posted some hate on her blog about the wildly overrated Junot Diaz book The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao then several months later, when Junot won the Pulitzer, replaced it with a nauseating account of a time back in the mid-90s when she played hide the butifarra with him, we couldn’t let it go. “I remember waking up at his place in Brooklyn, and finding Junot standing in the kitchen amid a litter of hundreds, literally hundreds, of Arizona Green Tea bottles, his fuel of choice [...] He seemed sad that morning, shaky, brilliant, like a young Ben Kinglsey in boxer shorts.” Um, ew.



• Raza Day Redux: The Good Tidings Of Christopher Colombus: Because more than 500 years later, we’re still bitter.

Thanks for the memories, the laughter, the hate mail and the love, guanabitches. If it weren’t for you, we’d have to get real jobs.