8 Inches, Raw: Antonio Vasquez Will Attack You With His Sausage

Twenty-one-year-old Antonio Vasquez of Fresno, California robbed and assaulted a man with an 8-inch sausage. Continuing the theme, he then tossed savory seasoning in another man’s face. And the Lunchables Bandit strikes again:

Santiago Cabrera told deputies that he was sleeping on the home’s front porch when he “felt something hit him in the face,” the report notes. Struggling to awake, Cabrera found “an unknown male bent over him. The male continued to strike him in the face and head area with a sausage.” Santiago, deputies reported, “said the sausage was about 8″ long.”

Another resident, Cesar Macias, recalled that he was sleeping on a futon in the family room when the intruder threw Pappy’s seasoning in his face. The Fresno-based Pappy’s specializes in “high quality all purpose spice blends, sauces and marinades,” according to its web site.

The weapon was then disposed off, in haste, by Santiago’s dog. Making him an accessory to robbery, and flatulent. Best calling card. Ever.

Assault With An 8-Inch Sausage [The Smoking Gun]