Coco de Mer is a shop specializing in erotic accoutrements so that, when police come to cut your body down from an exercise in erotic auto-asphyxiation gone terribly awry, they can comment admiringly on the loveliness of your bejeweled nipple clamps:

Have a peek at our hand-crafted erotic objects. Tease your imagination and fulfill your fantasies. Our products are made with simple loving principles that embrace fair-trade and care of our environment. We at Coco de Mer believe by making our products with the values of kindness we send deep and sexy vibrations to all that use them.

Let’s do have a peek! Take off your velvet blindfold, untie yourself from your sumptuous chaise and journey with us through a world both elegant and (cue mysterious whisper) erotic:

Feather Tickler - $16

A tickler is handcrafted by villagers in Indonesia from cockrel feathers and reclaimed teak. Does that excite you, lover? To spend 16 dollars on an item that promotes fair wages to distant craftspeople for an item that accomplishes what you could do for free with your own hand? Sorry. We just never got the point of ticklers.

Horsetail Butt Plug - $210

Pony play! This butt plug, adorned with real horse hair, is a great way of adding new meaning to the phrase “rode hard and put up wet.” Indeed! Need we mention that this item is currently on back-order? Of course it is. Helpful hint: Use a lot of lube. And then use some more. If you’re afraid of sitting down for fear of swallowing your chair with your ass, that’s about enough lube.

“My Dick” - $1,595.00

This cock is made by some dickwad named Christian Maas. No, we have no idea why anyone would pay upwards of a thousand dollars for something you can get for meth free.

“Cunt Licker” Customizable Plate - $45.00

Each of these vintage plates is unique and can be printed with the word or phrase of your choice. And, um. Seriously, all kidding aside, we want one immediately. Thanksgiving is going to be fantastic this year.

Butterfly Merkin - $145

A bejeweled butterfly merkin. How were we not aware that we always wanted this?

Erotic Toys & Lingerie [Coco de Mer]