Hurricane Ike, which already love tapped our brethren down in Cuba, has seemingly turned its sites northwesterly towards the city of Houston, Texas sparking a mandatory evacuation order from emergency officials for the postal codes 77058, 77059, 77062, 77520, 77546, 77571, 77586 and 77598. If you live in one of these, let us be clear. Get the fuck out. To paraphrase the mayor of New Orleans two weeks ago: There will be no one to help you. Let me say it again, get the fuck out. As usual, we donned our investigative journalist hats to delve deep into the situation and get you a report from real Houstonians living this nightmare. And, as usual, we found that most of them have no idea what’s going on.

GB: Hey so now i’m doing a story about this evacuation for Guanabee. anything interesting going on? Panic in the streets? Republicans saying it’s a sign from God cuz it’s 9/11? Everyone gathering inside the megachurches? I need drama.

Real Houstonian: Good question. I’ve been so busy at work that I only learned this morning that it was coming this way. Go online and look at houston’s local TV news clips and find some people that sound freaked out.

GB: Thanks for the real Houstonian perspective.

Real Houstonian: Well, UT cancelled its game in Austin this weekend and even the Texans are considering cancelling an indoor game. That’s all I know.

They’re canceling football games in Texas. This is more serious than we thought. Fortunately, we found a woman and mother of two who actually watches the news.

Real Woman Houstonian: Nothing too interesting. People who live South, near Galveston are evacuating by noon today. At noon we will find out if there are other areas. HISD schools are closed tomorrow. People who live out in the suburbs are taking 2 hrs to get to work in the morning and home in the afternoons. The gas stations are packed. The stores were packed this morning and running out of water.

But what will the football players drink? Below, a video of Texas surfers and others preparing for Ike including, we think, the real-life inspiration behind Matthew McConaughey’s Wooderson character from Dazed and Confused. Ow!

Texans flee low-lying areas as Ike turns toward Freeport [Houston Chronicle]