Lanesia Garcia Claims Bristol Palin Stole Levi Johnston, Is Oddly Not Relieved

Teenager Lanesia Garcia is apparently coming forth from her Alaskan ice cave, eyes squinting against the bright, white media spotlight, to announce that Bristol Palin stole “fuckin’ redneck” Levi Johnston from her after the two had been dating for three years. Says Lanesia, in a quasi-moose-grunt:

“I didn’t believe it, I never dreamt she was capable of doing that to me. But when I called her she just said, ‘I’m so sorry, I couldn’t help it. Levi and I are together now and I think he’s the man for me.’ I put the phone down and have not talked to her since.

I was distraught for a year - I missed Bristol desperately but also Sarah, who was like a second mom to me. Neither of them have tried to contact me, though - which says something about how ruthless they can be. The phrase Sarah used comparing herself to a lipstick-wearing pit bull is spot on.”

Ah, if only Lanesia were still with Levi. What sort of romantic future has alluded her? Perchance there would be an entirely different name so lovingly tattooed onto Levi’s massive sausage fingers. Right before he got her pregnant and left her because her mom doesn’t happen to be famous, only to eventually marry her and lead her, hand in tattooed hand, into a life of moose jerky consumed in a mobile home while “Two And A Half Men” re-runs play on a portable TV set atop old issues of Reader’s Digest.

Lanesia Garcia: Bristol Palin Stole My Levi Johnston! [The Hollywood Gossip]