Excited about mutilated chihuahuas? Then you probably can’t wait for this year’s most obvious attempt at Oscar-baiting, Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Some critics saw it! And reviewed it! And didn’t immediately explode into a thousand little pieces:

Beverly Hills Chihuahua most certainly does not suck.

Needle scratch! Please explain, meng:

The film does begin rather poorly, with a montage of Beverly Hills scenes set to Gwen Stefani’s Rich Girl. Jamie Lee Curtis is Vivian, a chic fashionista who runs a business but spends her every spare moment tending to Chloe, her female Chihuahua and “greatest treasure”. The little mutt is preened in salons, has a dozen couture changes a day, and Chloe and her little pooch pals say things like “talk to the paw” while they chill-ax on banana lounges by the pool at Vivian’s mansion. The gardener Sam’s working-class Mexican immigrant Chihuahua Papi (he of the trailers, even though this is Chloe’s story – another dubious marketing ploy) pines hopelessly for Chloe, proving his devotion by offering to “lick inside your ears” and “chew the hard to reach places”.

Oh, ok. We’ve already seen this movie. It’s called “Every Children’s Movie, Ever: II, Something With An Ethnic Sidekick.”

Beverly Hills Chihuahua’s main plot replicates for the under-10 set the mismatched girl-guy buddy vibe found, say, in Romancing The Stone and Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom. [Ed. note: Also in Lady In The Tramp XVI: Spring Break.] And it’s this familiarity that endears it to adults who’ve grown up going loving every step of such journeys. As is dictated by the formula, Chloe has to go from pampered booty-wearing princess to feisty adventuress, while Delgado has to confront the demons that have plagued him since “the incident” if he’s to embrace his heroic destiny in full.

Whoa so the Latino character is poor? And mystical? And exists in order to teach an Anglo (uh, canine) character a life lesson? Yeah, fuck this shit. At least Tito in Oliver & Company was legitimately awesome:

Beverly Hills Chihuahua: The Verdict [Schlock Around The Clock]
Earlier: YouTube Reaction Videos Show Chihuahuas In Headresses Don’t Solely Make Guanabee Editors Suicidal