64-year-old Ronald Watkins of Maryland is suing his doctor, Manuel Casiano, because he allegedly stapled his ass shut following surgery on a rectal tumor, barring him from defecating for 17 days. Ron is so full of shit:

Dr. Manuel Casiano’s lawyer said Watkins’ bowels merely became “swollen shut,” The Baltimore Examiner reported.

Since the surgery, Watkins experiences “rectal discharge” and must wipe 12 to 15 times a day, and he has had other procedures that otherwise would have been unnecessary, according to his attorneys.

And, as a delightful warning to chain smokers:

The defense said Watkins’ smoking two packs a day contributed to his bowel problems, The Baltimore Examiner reported.

Hear that (baby)? Smoking will cause your bowels to seize up, rendering you a veritable little packet of shit nuggets for like two and half weeks. It is science!

Man Goes to Court After Butt Stapled Shut [NBC4]