The making and preventing of babies is something that’s on our mind, like, almost constantly. BABIES BABIES SHOES BABIES. JACK DANIELS. METH. Just like any other ladyperson. So today we’d like to savagely carve out a slimy chunk of time to chat about certain methods of contraception - how they work, their benefits and the possible ways they can make your uterus explode into a trillion little pieces. Kidding! Keep in mind that there are literally several methods of contraception, we just happened to choose three options. Always consult with you gynecologist or the ranting man who lives behind your local bodega before going on prescription birth control.

Mirena

First up is Mirena. It’s name is both soothing and romantic, like, perhaps, the title character of a telenovela. Your doctor inserts the device inside you, and you can opt to keep it for five years.

• How does it work? It’s a secret:

  There is no single explanation of how Mirena® works. Mirena® may:

  Block sperm from reaching or fertilizing your egg

  Make the lining of your uterus thin (this may also result in benefits like less menstrual bleeding over time)

  Stop the release of your egg from your ovary (but this may not be the way it works in most cases)

  It is believed that all 3 of these actions may work together to prevent pregnancy.

  It may do any of all of these things, but how can you be sure. Aw, who cares! It’s just going to be inside you for about 60 months. We’ve talked to someone who is currently on Mirena and she’s prety happy with it, but did admit that her uterus hurt for quite a while after insertion, as (and this how she explained it) her body was trying to “attack” this new, invasive thing inside her body. Kind of like how your vagina bites into a penis when frightened or provoked.
• What are some possible side effects of using Mirena? You probably won’t experience things like weight gain or unsightly tufts of hair growing on your eyelids, but you do have to take care when inserting and pulling out tampons. And you may experience cramping, nausea, pain and dizziness when the device is first inserted into your uterus. Other possible side effects include acne, breast tenderness, menstrual changes (duration or heaviness of flow), headaches, mood swings and — in the case of about 12% of Mirena users — ovarian cysts.
• Oh. Are there any benefits? Well, you probably won’t get pregnant! And you’ll probably end up saving money since one Mirena device is effective for up to five years, as opposed the Pill, which must be taken daily. It could be a good choice for people who are forgetful or too lazy to be bothered with taking a pill, like, every single day. Like some kind of loser.

Seasonale

Seasonale is a form of prescription birth control taken orally, in pill form, that promises to give you solely four periods a year. It comes with a free unicorn.

• How does it work? Like, it is any different from the regular Pill, where you get periods monthly like some kind of ANIMAL?

  SEASONALE® is an extended-regimen birth control pill — which means it’s designed to extend the time between your periods so you get them once every 3 months instead of every month. The easiest way to explain how its extended regimen works is to compare it to a traditional monthly birth control pill.

  When using a traditional monthly birth control pill: You take 1 active pill every day for 3 weeks, followed by 1 week of inactive pills. So you get your period about once a month, or 13 times a year.

  With SEASONALE®: You take 1 active pill every day for 3 months (84 days), followed by 1 week (7 days) of inactive pills. The extended regimen lengthens the time between your scheduled periods. With SEASONALE®, you’re scheduled to get your period once every 3 months — 4 times a year.

  Simple! Kinda! Like the regular Pill, Seasonale uses hormones to keep you from ovulating. When you then take inactive pills, your body sheds your uterine lining in a way that mimics menstruation but is actually a withdrawal symptom of not being on the hormones in “active” pills. The only difference is that, with Seasonale, active pills are taken for a longer duration.
• What are some possible side effects?

  Side effects vary from person to person and are similar to those of the regular Pill. On the most dangerous end of things, you could develop blood clots, liver tumors or high blood pressure. Annoying but less severe side effects include nausea, headaches, breast tenderness, weight gain and difficult wearing contacts (who knew!) Again, these vary from person to person.

  In addition to these, people who want to take Seasonale should know that you will likely develop four periods annually after taking it for a year. So for that first year, you’ll have regular monthly periods. Sorry! You might also experience spotting between periods and grow horns.
• Yeesh. And what about the benefits? Well, you’ll eventually have less periods a year, which means you can turn three times as many cartwheels through fields of clover without worrying that your pad is going to fly out and hit a puppy in the face. And, like the regular Pill, you might end up getting clearer skin and bigger tetas capable of cognizant thought and speech.

Natural Family Planning

Natural Family Planning is a method endorsed and advocated by the Roman Catholic Church that, technically, is not so much a form of “contraception” as it is “planning.” Masturbation is not a offset of Natural Family Planning. But nice try.



• How does this work? Does it involve anal? It totally involves anal, right?

  NFP (that’s what you call it if you’re hip) uses cues like basal body temperature, the thickness of cervical mucous and cervical position to determine at what point a woman is at her most fertile. These are called “Symptoms-based” methods and are the most fun because, haha! Mucous!

  “Calendar-based” methods use smoke signals to determine fertility. Ha, obviously not. Idiot. It uses whenever your last period was to determine at what point during a month you’re likely to be at your most fertile.

  Then there’s the “lactational amenorrhea” method, used to determine when a woman becomes fertile again after having had a baby. Women who are amenorrheic (meaning, they don’t get periods - this can also happen due to poor nutrition) and who are fully lactating after giving birth are infertile during that time.
• Are there any side effects from using NFP? What, you mean besides totally getting pregnant? Nah. There’s just a higher risk of pregnancy using these methods than using other forms of contraception, even if you follow through with them perfectly. Calendar-based methods have a perfect-use failure rate of 5–9% per year. Symptoms-based and the lactational amenorrhea methods are each somewhere between 97 - 99% effective, if followed perfectly. The common usage failure rate? 25%.
• And benefits? Well, you’re not introducing hormones or spermicides into your body, which some women can be uncomfortable with or have bad reactions to. It’s also pretty much free, as you don’t really need to buy a lot of fancy pills or tools. It increases awareness of your body and how it works, which is always a god thing, and encourages planning as a couple, rather than putting the bulk — or all — the responsibility of birth control on the woman. And with NFP you’re actually encouraged to have sex without a condom. Although, uh. That might also have other downsides. Like the clap or a baby.

So, yeah. Each of these has its downsides and its benefits. Make sure you research whatever method you’re keen to try and talk to people who’ve tried it themselves as well as healthcare professionals. Hopefully you’ll find the way for you to keep your uterus happy… and happily empty.

[Mirena]
[Seasonale]
[Natural family planning]