Like Mary Poppins’ magic bag, more and more just keeps coming out of this infamous Venezuelan suitcase. The “Valijagate” circus started back in August 2007, when Buenos Aires customs authorities stopped Venezuelan-American businessman, Guido Antonini Wilson, with $800,000 stuffed in a suitcase. They let Antonini go but seized the money, and then the U.S. got involved and accused Hugo Chavez of trying to fund Cristina Kirchner’s presidential campaign and it all went KABOOM.

More than a year later we’re still hearing about this scandal. Why? Well for starters, one of the women involved got naked for playboy. Also, and we suppose this is important, too, U.S.-Argentinian relations are quickly going to shit.

With Argentinian president Cristina Kirchner scheduled to speak at the UN tomorrow, now would be a good time to try and make sense of this mess.

Here are the facts, as we know them:

August 2007: The U.S. accuses Venezuelan president, Hugo Chavez, of trying to sneak money into Argentina to help Cristina Kirchner win the presidential election.

December 2007: She wins the election, then she and her husband, former-president Nestor, and Hugo Chavez all have a nice big group hug.

Soon after, the U.S. arrested four men in Miami who were supposedly sent by Venezuela and Argentina to silence Antonini, the man who brought the suitcase in to Buenos Aires. Now there’s a trial going on, vis:

The men arrested in Miami were charged with acting as agents of Venezuela’s Government and failing to register themselves as such.

The Kirchners are infamous for their corruption, but a lot of Argentinians are pissed at the U.S. for butting in. They expressed this disapproval in December 2007 by burning a lot of American flags and cardboard suitcases. Nothing like flaming boxes to get your message across.

January to April 2008: The U.S. ignores calls to extradite the defendants and three of the men plead guilty to the charges.

February 2008: Policewoman Maria del Lujan Telpuk, who discovered what Antonini was smuggling, is discovered to be a total babe, and poses for Argentinian Playboy. Comedy break!

When she saw what was inside the luggage, “I almost died,” she told Playboy. “The bundles of bills were there, in plain sight, nothing hiding them. I’d never seen so much money in one place.”

Look for Maria in upcoming episodes of Skating for a Dream, an Argentinian ice skating variety show. (We are not kidding.)

September 2008: The last of the four arrested men goes on trial, claims he was sent by the governments of Venezuela and Argentina, and Chavez denounces him as a traitor. Chavez and the Kirchners, despite momentary PR stumbles, have emerged from this scandal as strong allies, and both claim the U.S. is staging the trial as a smear tactic against them.

“It’s a show. The trial is fixed, with a group of businessmen who are all being protected (by the U.S.),” said Chavez

“This President may be a woman, but we’re not going to allow them to pressure us.”

Which brings us to the present moment, with Kirchner scheduled to speak at the UN tomorrow and tensions between the U.S. and Argentina steadily worsening. Any remarks Kirchner might make about the incident will indicate the direction she wants to take regarding diplomacy with the U.S., but some fear the damage is irreparable, at least while Kirchner holds the presidency. Her BFF Chavez has certainly made his feelings about the U.S. abundantly clear. What’s unclear is why exactly the U.S. got so aggressively involved, but somebody on whatever side better explain their damn selves before the U.S. loses all its Latin American friends.

earlier: Presidents Yelling Day: Hugo Chavez Says, “Fucking Yankees, Go To Hell A Hundred Times!”
and
Venezuelans Carry Large Amounts Of Money, Are Deemed “Suspicious” By Most, “Marriage Material” By Others

La maleta que enfrenta a EE UU y Argentina [El Pais]
Trial for suitcase scandal is a “trash operation,” says Chávez [El Universal]
Expectation with Mrs. Kirchner first UN assembly speech [Mercopress]
She found her 15 minutes inside a suitcase scandal [LA Times]