Covering The Coverage: Weight Fluctuation During Relationships, As Explained By Helpful Charts

If you’ve ever been in a relationship and noticed you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night, eating Domino’s 5-5-5 deal while watching “Dirty Jobs” in your pajamas well, then. You are us. As well as countless other lady-persons whose weights tend to fluctuate at different points, too. ‘Cuz, ladies, we all basically function the same way, don’t we? We’re all crying into boxes of chocolates we bought for ourselves while drinking -gin- chamomile tea from our Cathy comic mugs and texting our boyfriend incessantly with ‘Where r u?! Call me plz luv u bai.”

A new study in Britain charts the precise moments in long-term relationships where women tend to put on and drop weight. Curiously missing is the point during coitus where we consume our lovers while cackling maniacally at the moon. Check out and explanation of the 5 relationship/weight stages and a helpful chart (click to enlarge), after the jump:

A weight management firm called -your mom- Slendex studied British 3,000 women throughout the course of their relationships to determine that weight typically fluctuates by 2 stone or about 28 pounds.

Here are the stages:

1. The Honeymoon Period

Average weight loss 5.3 pounds. Women lose weight at the start of romance to impress their new man.

Well. Seeing how guys we’ve been with usually eat like it’s going out of style, we tend to put on weight after going out on dates where they’re still offering to pay.

2. The Comfort Zone

Average weight gain 10 pounds. A few years into the relationship and women pile on the pounds enjoying cozy nights in with their loved on.

Is this also the stage where you feel comfortable farting in front of another or picking blackheads off each other’s backs? Aw, love.

3. The Big Day

Average weight loss 8 pounds. Women get into healthy eating and exercise to look their best at the wedding.

We’re going to spend our hypothetical wedding nose-deep in Hatuey while sweating off our makeup doing the chicken noodle soup dance with our little cousins. We’re going to look awesome.

4. Baby Boom

Average weight gain 14.3 pounds. The last thing new moms think of is their weight when raising a toddler.

Because goodness knows it’s the first thing women think about when they’re inundated with term papers or deadlines at work or bills or rent or planning trips or making grocery lists or changing a tire or getting over a cold over visiting a sick relative. At least motherhood gives us a break!

5. The Reinvention

Average weight loss 10.4 pounds. The children are older and women have time for a make-over to regain their figure.

Kids are out of the house! Now we can finally paint the dining room magenta. Or buy a time-share on Fire Island. Or have sex on the kitchen counter. Or take a continuing education course. Or learn how to knit. Right after we lose ten pounds.

In short: Hey, maybe this is true. But, if anything, these stages shouldn’t be warning signs to help us maintain a healthy (read: acceptable) weight - They should help us avoid worrying about weight to the point that it defines or becomes completely intertwined with different points in our lives. New love = Slim! New baby - Chubsville! Just enjoy the moment you’re in - enjoy eating a fancy italian dinner with your new love. Enjoy popsicles with your 5-year-old when the weather’s hot. Enjoy running around. Enjoy having sex.

And really, thoroughly enjoy ignoring studies on weight that appear in British tabloids.

Ups and downs of love: How women’s weight yo-yos by 2st in a relationship [Daily Mail]