Happy Hallogueen!: Guanabee’s Top Costume Suggestions

Hi trolls. I (Alex) am leaving to Savannah tomorrow, so I won’t be around for the next couple of days. But I wanted to make sure to wish you all (Well. Except those of you who never get my jokes.) a safe, happy Halloween. I thought I’d also take this opportunity to make a few costume suggestions for those of you who have yet to pick something out. I’m personally not going as anything other than “drunk” this year because I’ll be participating in a haunted pub crawl (OoOoOooOoo!) and nothing is scarier than me, inebriated, crying and hugging a stranger.

I didn’t have to look any further than Guanabee’s archives (Did you know this weekend marks one year since I started here? Is true.) for costume ideas. Which is terrific, because I’m lazy. So, onward:

8. The Chupacabra

Sorry! Sorry. Sorry?

7. Noelia

Cute.

6. Audrey From My Super Sweet 16

We grew up as a Catholic schoolgirl in Miami, so we know firsthand the terror that is to be beheld at such a girl’s quinces. No one personifies this as well as Audrey Reyes, who has spent her 15 minutes of fame screaming at her mother instead of fooling around with a Belen boy to some sweet reggaeton tunes:

For this costume, all you’ll need is a tiara, a “It’s My Quinces!” sash or somesuch, bionically straightened hair, a gift card to Hollister and a wearying sense of entitlement. Practice speaking like your tongue is constantly pressed down by the weight of a Swarovski-studded silver spoon and you, bro, are good to go.

5. Embarrassing Chihuahua

This suggestion is a little more topical, given this sat like a plasta de mierda at the top of the box office quite recently:

Carry a stuffed chihuahua, a large sombrero, a fake mustache and a look of shame. And maybe a flask of tequila. You’ve suffered enough.

4. Facebook Fight

For this, you’re going to need a white T-shirt featuring a red splotch, an IQ of about 12 and maybe 202 (give or take) inane comments.

3. Thomas Beatie

This one’s easy. All you need to pull off this costume is a gray cardigan, a pillow for cardigan-stuffage and the most pageviews brought in from any one story on Guanabee. Fuck yes. Oh, and if you see it fit to include some parrots or heavenly clouds, that’s cool too.

2. La Cindy

YouTube took down our account, because they’re racist and maybe because we were posting porn, so this video of Cindy smacking a piñata with both legs broken now exists solely in our collective memory. But you can make sure her legacy lives on by dressing up as Cindy for Halloween! You’ll need two casts (one for each leg), a piñata, a bat and a knack for hitting posts, piñatas and trifling-ass commenters out of the park.

1. Aliza Shvarts

Remember Aliza? She’s the Yale art student who may or may not have induced pregnancy and abortion over a period (oomf!) of nine months as her senior art project. The beauty of Aliza is that she knows that good branding begins with creating an easily identifiable visual. In this case, her clothes. For this costume, you’ll need to hit up your local American Apparel for black leggings, a black leotard and a black hoodie. Hunt around for a pair of leopard print men’s boxers and some fringed boots from… some dumpster in Williamsburg we guess, if you can withstand rifling through other similar art projects. And, there you go! Roll around in some corn syrup and red dye if you can stand it and you’ll have a Halloween costume that’s at least bound to terrify all the hundreds of thousands of Sarah Palins you’ll end up running into this Halloween.

And that’s about it, because I want to go home / really need to pee. Have a fantastic Halloween, everyone!