The press’ overwhelming positivity towards Sarah Palin’s performance last week at the vice-presidential debate made us feel like the whole world has lost its mind. So we headed over to the office of the one guy who can always analyze a situation from growing concern into outright despair—The Gay Shrink. The Gay Shrink is a genuine licensed therapist and lover of penis. His pearls of wisdom follow.

Guanabee: Bless us, Gay Shrink. It’s been five months since our last visit and obvs. the entire country is all the crazier for it.

Gay Shrink: Well Guanabee, when people are in therapy, it is recommended they work with their psychologist on a weekly basis as consistency brings results.

Guanabee: Sorry, GS. We’ve been sort of distracted by the presidential race. Some might even say obsessed, really. It’s this woman running for Vice President, Sarah Palin. In the words of the late, great Bernie Mac, “What the fuck, America?”

Gay Shrink: She has certainly taken this country by storm. One thing I think we can all agree on is that people either love or hate Sarah Palin

Guanabee: We LOVE to hate her, but enough about us. What do you think of that winking? Is it the nervous tick of a sociopath, or is she really that cute?

Gay Shrink: Sarah Palin is a self-described pit bull in lipstick—-She attempts to appear very passive and righteous, but her innate clumsiness belies her insecurity and rage. In other words, she may be cute but she will cut ya!

Guanabee: Do you think America will elect a person on cuteness? (This question can also apply to Barack Obama, obvs.)

Gay Shrink: I recently saw someone comment on how people in Europe generally want candidates they believe are “smarter and more qualified” than themselves in political office, but in America, we just want someone like us. But seriously do you want Joe Six Pack for president?

Guanabee: Thank you! And exactly who the hell is this Joe Six Pack, anyway? And should he seek help from a 12-step program?

Gay Shrink: He is supposed to be the “guy next door,” who can shoot the shit while downing a half a dozen Coors Lights and a pack of Marlboros and we are supposed to relate to him. I know plenty of Joe Six Packs and most of them should definitely be in a 12-step program. Further, we should all be suspect of the judgment of anyone fond of Coors Light.

Guanabee: When we were in school, if we answered a test question with the answer to a totally different question, we’d fail that test. Why is it that Sarah Palin purportedly “won” the Vice Presidential debate doing the exact same thing last week and what should we make of a woman who responds to questions with answers to different questions?

Gay Shrink: Unfortunately, people will elect a person on a variety of issues that have nothing to do with whether or not a candidate is qualified. This woman accepted this appointment only 5 weeks ago, and I would bet my professional license, that prior to the call from John McCain, she had no pressing plans to become a “Washington Insider.” Now if I was working with a client who responded to questions with answers to different questions, I would question if they had a thought disorder—just saying.

Guanabee: Can cold weather, such as that found in Alaska, make you crazy?

Gay Shrink: The cold weather is not so much a factor as the limited sunlight and extended darkness during parts of the year. It can wreak havoc on your circadian rhythms and cause a condition known as SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and high incidents of depression.

Guanabee: Good thing she’s got that tanning bed. And what do you make of her husband, Todd? Is he really the brawn of that partnership or the brains?

Gay Shrink: I think Joe Six Pack’s true identity is Todd Palin.

Guanabee: He needs to be Joe Condom and put a helmet on that soldier. Speaking of, is Sarah really Trig’s mama?

Gay Shrink: It is more likely that a Down Syndrome child would be born to an older woman, so the statistics would support Sarah being Trig’s mom. Can you imagine if the Republicans had to spin two illegitimate children from her daughter? That said, whether or not he knows it, Trig brought much needed attention to children with disabilities in this country and that is a good thing!

Guanabee: Oh Trig. You’re so damn cute in your footie pajamas….but…. must…. not…. give…. in…. to…. cute…. ness….

Gay Shrink: Stay strong, little voter.

Guanabee: Speaking of voters, any parting words to all those not paying attention undecided people out there?

Gay Shrink: The real movement in this country comes from the people, so if you are not speaking out, volunteering, challenging bureaucracy, fighting for everyone’s civil rights, living within your means, and reducing your personal carbon footprint do not expect anyone coming into office to be maverick enough to do it on their own. Ann Richards would be the exception to that, but she is unfortunately dead.

Guanabee: And death is the ultimate fuck you. On that note, let’s pour one out for the lady who should have been in the White house and say thanks again, Gay Shrink.

Gay Shrink: You’re welcome and don’t forget to vote, everybody!

Gay Shrink On Guanabee