We Have Niurka’s Glamorous Personal Photos. Jealous?

Cuban actress and former cabaret dander, Niurka, took a series of personal photos, dressed in elegant costumes by renowned atelier -Ño Que Caché in Hialeah- Mitzy. And, as one is wont to do with personal photos, she shared them with People en Español, who captioned the pictures with blurbs like “Legs to die for” and “Bewitching.” Witch, please. Such captions don’t do her justice. We’d rather hear from Niurka herself.

Journey with us, if you will, to a land of elegance and splendor - a land where women where feathered headresses, four inch-long acrylics and rhinestone tangas. Journey with us, Inside Niurka’s Head:

“Hello, Guanabeans! It is I, Niurka. No, please. Do not ask me for autographs. My signing hand is tired from wearing all these glamorous and very expensive Diamonique® rings. But, come. I will guide you through my very personal, very glamorous photographs. Come darlings. Allow your eyeballs to be ignited with the beauty that is I, Niurka…”

“Here I am with my sister, Miurka. We enjoy things like lifting up one another’s gowns, checking for ingrown toenails and being connected at the knee. And eating Dippin’ Dots.”

“Tyra Banks, she suggests ’smiling with the eyes.’ And to that I say ‘Quiet your word-hole, lady!’ There is only one way to smile and that is with the lips. But then the photographer made me put on a skirt.”

“This dress, do you like it? I made it myself, from the hide of Walter Mercado. Some people say that, upon looking at my face and my fashions, they feel a warm, wet feeling rising at the back of their throats. Do not worry. It is called ‘jealousy.’”

“Here I am posing, elegantly, with a misshapen elephant penis. It is very expensive. A vital part of glamour is having very long nails. These are made from the tears of orphans, which have been frozen. And are very expensive. I painted this background myself.”

“Haha! Well hello there, Guanabeans. Here I am riding on a Yeti. As you can see, I am wearing a very elegant and expensive riding outfit. It is made of pigeons. Do you like it?”

“How tired I get from posing so elegantly! Perhaps you are thinking you would like to borrow one of my expensive and very glamorous outfits? Fool! Such fine fabrics would disintegrate upon coming into contact with cretin skin! Haha, I laugh at your face and your foolishness! But now I must retire to my boudoir and nap. I hope you enjoyed seeing my gorgeous fashions and my poses. I have practiced them for you. Haha, that was a lie. I do not practice for anyone.”

Simply Niurka [People en Español]