2009 Inauguration Tickets: A How-To Guide

Obama supporters swapped everything from bodily fluids to somewhat-necessary organs in order to obtain tickets to hear him give his acceptance speech. Which makes us wonder what sort of things people are willing to do to in the audacious hopes of scoring tickets to his inauguration on January 20. Will he take his oath on a Bible? Will it burst into flames? Will he wear an American flag pin?! God, it’s all so exciting. Anyway, before you go out and do anything you might come to regret, make sure to read our comprehensive tips to getting tickets the klassy ™ way:

Tip 1:

Do not auction off your virginity for tickets or attempt to bid on anyone attempting to do so themselves. People who do this are rarely virgins and always in possession of at least one hideous and off-putting character flaw - like being too stupid to realize people can get sex for free pretty much always. Remember: If it’s on the internet, it’s gone viral.

Tip 2:

To not sell your baby for a ticket. You might need it one day. It is full of helpful spare parts and juice.

Tip 3:

Don’t make such a big deal out of this ok? It’s not rare or special like a Deep Purple reunion concert. This happens every four years. Oh, it’s historic, you say! Well so are the sweet, sweet riffs of “Rapture of the Deep,” my friend. Oh, but this signals a new era! Of rock? No!

Tip 4:

Fine, it’s kind of a big deal. Borrow money from your mom or whatever. But seriously, do not perform a sexual act on a stranger for tickets. It makes Obama cry and is also illegal or something.

Inauguration Day 2009 Tickets: How Do You Get Them? [Huliq]