5 Awards Enrique Igelasias Should Have Gotten Instead Of The American Music Award For “Favorite Artist” In Latin Music
24 November 2008, 12:00 PM. By Daniel Mauser
Heroic singer Enrique Iglesias won the title of “Favorite Artist” for “Latin Music” at last night’s American Music Awards ceremony. Ignore for a moment the fact that the music for which Enrique is most -popular- known for — his poppy dance tracks — are not particularly “Latin” except for the fact that they’re sung by someone whose father’s birth country is responsible for colonizing much of Latin America. Is Enrique really America’s favorite Latin artist? Let’s ask:
Guanabee: America? Is Enrique Iglesias your favorite artist?
America: Is he the one with the mole? Send him back to Mexico!
So that’s a no. That’s not to say Enrique is not deserving of some award or another, though. Anyone who has gone to school in the states knows everyone gets a gold star, no matter what. So let’s think of some awards which more clearly reflect the contributions Enrique Iglesias has made to music and pop culture:
1. The Most Unholy Skin Sheen Which Can Only Have Been Forged In Hellfire Award
It takes a certain skill to look like a strip of bacon while simultaneously being completely unappealing.
2. The Creepiest Song Since “Every Breath You Take” Award
Much has been made of the fine line between romantic courtship and stalking. Enrique’s “Hero” goes right up to that line’s house and watches it undress through a pair of opera glasses. It’s not even the lyrics themselves that make the song so creepy, but the fact that they’re all whispered, as if by a crazed ex-boyfriend sneaking up behind you:
Would you dance, If I asked you to dance?
Would you likewise place the lotion in the basket?
Would you run, And never look back?
We learned our lesson from Sodom and Gomorrah.
Would you cry, If you saw me crying?
We’re still busy running away while never looking back.
And would you save my soul, tonight?
What? Whoa, whoa. Is this going to turn into something involving us cutting one another over a black candle while you chant? Because, dude, we thought we were just going out to a movie tonight.
Would you tremble, If I touched your lips?
Yes.
Would you laugh?
Yes.
Oh please tell me this.
“This.”
Now would you die, For the one you love?
Uh…
Hold me in your arms, tonight.
3. The Second Most Famous Mole Award
Because Cindy Crawford has this category on lock and his mole is gone now anyway.
4. The Most Soap Operas Named After Songs Award
“Cosas del Amor,” “Nunca Te Olvidaré,” and maybe “Sirena.” Also, “Heroes” sounds kind of like “Hero.” So there you go.
5. The Performing A Strangely Titled Song On “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” While Being Ignored By Yelling Children Award
This one is far and away the most prestigious:
Winners Announced for ‘2008 American Music Awards’ [MarketWatch]
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Enrique got this award because he is the only latino singer that caucasians can think of. -
#1-”We need someone for the Latin award.”
#2- “How about that one guy, sings and dates that tennis player?”
#3- “He’s won for the past 4 years.”
#1- “I’m putting his name down.”
#3- “What about J-Lo?”
#2- “She isn’t Latin, she’s just from the Bronx”
#1 “Teehee listen to you sounding positively hip-hop saying the Bronx.”
-In unison- “Cheers to that, good show.”
Then they all had a double malt scotch on the rocks.
he could also have taken the award for “least convincing m2f post-op”
haters.
@ InthBronx: Its “H8ers,” dude.
“This”
oh guanabee, i love how you provide the comic relief!
@fredo.. seriously, i bet that is how it happen!
fuck u haters
*looks around*
She (sara) wasn’t talking to me. That must’ve been directed at Guanabee.
It’s hilarious that people take him so seriously.
@Fredo: They completely forgot about Ricky Martin. I mean, he just had a kid.
@denise: Yea but now that Ricky has that kid he doesn’t have time to pump out the “hits” that Enrique does.
@Fredo: What new song has he come out w/? I guess I’ve been listening to too much NPR. It’s the only radio station I can stand these days.
That dude’s mole has its own congressman!
/Nelson
He shoulda never gotten rid of the mole. It was sexay!
@whoever is accusing people of being haters: learn to distinguish a product from talent
You just reminded me that I had a dream about Mana last night. Oy! Fehr!