Nereida Gallardo, the 24-year-old Spanish model who had a much-publicized relationship with soccer star Cristiano Reinaldo, is opening up about her ex. She reveals that Cristiano dumped her by text message while riding through the sky on a rhinestone swan. She also reveals that he’s kind of vain. In fact, he probably thinks this post is about him, ‘bout him:

“He likes his body to be smooth all over and would even use a hair removal cream. He would also use tubs of moisturiser, coating every part of his body, at least twice a day.”

He probably has festering ass pimples. Nereida also says that Cris made sure there were plenty of mirrors around the house so as not to miss a single opportunity to whisper “Good morning, gorgeous” to himself:

“His house is full of mirrors so he’s always walking around glancing at himself.”

In addition to admiring his glistening, hairless body in various mirrors, Reinaldo also decorated his home with his initials and the number 7. He also pees in corners, just in case. As to the straw that eventually broke the camel’s back, Nereida blames Cristiano’s relationship to his mother:

“He phones her every day. I wouldn’t be surprised if his next girlfriend is chosen by his mum.”

Preferably with bulging biceps and super defined abs. And those boob-things? Oh! And a straightening iron.

CRISTIANO DONE ME RON! [NOTW]