The “5 Bite Diet” is a weight loss plan developed by Dr. Alwin Lewis, a man with a fantastic head of hair who might be a doctor of some sort. The diet is built on the understanding that food deprivation doesn’t work! So eat the foods you like! All five bites of them! Five bites of food for lunch, five bites for dinner and all the non-calorie beverage you can drink while staving off the overwhelming desire to faint on or eat the person sitting beside you. But you won’t understand how to implement this complex, five-bite system without spending money on books and consultation sessions:

This weight loss program is divided into 2 parts:

Part 1 - Learn the secrets of weight loss by reading Dr. Lewis’s book, “Why Weight Around? Changing the Weight Loss Strategy”

Part 2 - Get the coaching you need to help you maximize your success:

We thought all we needed to lose weight was to burn more calories than we consume and to watch “The Tyra Show” while softly weeping. We feel so foolish now, sitting here with our exorbitant twenty-three bites of Froot Loops. Feed us! With knowledge:

According to the latest research, the thinner you are the longer you live. Dr. Lewis recommends that everyone strive to attain a body-mass-index of 18.5. This means you should become thinner than you ever imagined possible. The thinner you are, the healthier you are…with a beneficial ‘side effect’. You will look spectacular! Looking trim and tight will afford you unparalleled health, vitality, and longevity!

Thank you, Medical Professional ®. Oh, wait. What’s this that just snuck up onto our screen? Why, it’s a statistic!:

Anorexia is thought to have the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder, with approximately 6% of those who are diagnosed with the disorder eventually dying due to related causes.The suicide rate of people with anorexia is also higher than that of the general population and is thought to be the major cause of death for those with the condition.

But surely all these deaths occurred when the person in question was about 207-year-old, right? After all, “the thinner you are, the longer you live.” And “the thinner you are, the healthier you are.” Other “beneficial side-effects,” — besides looking spectacular! — include:

- Stunted growth

- Endocrine disorder, leading to cessation of periods in girls (amenorrhoea)

- Decreased libido; impotence in males

- Starvation symptoms, such as reduced metabolism, slow heart rate (bradycardia), hypotension, hypothermia and anemia

- Abnormalities of mineral and electrolyte levels in the body

- Thinning of the hair

- Growth of lanugo hair over the body

- Reduction in white blood cell count

- Reduced immune system function

- Creaking joints and bones

- Collection of fluid in ankles during the day and around eyes during the night

- Tooth decay

- Constipation

- Dry skin

- Dry or chapped lips

- Poor circulation, resulting in common attacks of ‘pins and needles’ and purple extremities

- In cases of extreme weight loss, there can be nerve deterioration, leading to difficulty in moving the feet

- Headaches

- Brittle fingernails

- Bruising

And kidney failure! Deterioration of heart muscles! Strained relationships to friends and family! And death! Woo! Here’s $24.95 for you book. Sign us up, Dr. Lewis. Promoting disordered eating and an unhealthy preoccupation with food — or the lack thereof — is a recipe for nothing but disaster.

The Slimming Station [5 Bite Diet]
Anorexia Nervosa [Wikipedia]