The New York Times has put together a handy, step-by-step guide aimed at helping you celebrate / survive this election night. We think it’s a lovely way of excusing our rampant alcoholism as political involvement. In fact, we like this idea so much that we’ve decided to put together our own guide. Because we can’t think about Florida without wanting to take a shot anyway. So, heere it is- Guanabee’s Guide To Getting Through Election Night

6:30 -

Return home from work and realize you have people coming over and that your place looks like shit. God, is anyone going to even make the trek to Queens anyway? Why did you ever move out of Brooklyn? Is that… is that vomit in the corner? These aren’t your underwear. You can tell because they’re currently on an unconscious body strewn across your roommate’s futon. Briefly consider calling off your Election Night Fiesta.

Most polls in Indiana, where Obama and McCain have been neck and neck, have closed by this time. The New York Times advises you not to read too much into results that have yet to include Gary, Indiana - a city with a considerably high population of Black voters.

7:00 -

People should start showing up by now. Hang up a piñata you stole from a neighbor’s backyard. That will suffice for decoration. Put out a dish of Halloween candy. Realize all your dishes are in the sink and put out a mug of Halloween candy instead. At this time, polls are closing in Virginia, Georgia, and and in many areas in Florida and New Hampshire. Feel that tingling? You’ve either contracted syphilis or you are starting to feel somewhat excited.

Turn your attention to Virginia. If Obama wins this state, there’s an excellent chance he’ll run away with the election. Wonder aloud if people in Virginia really make moonshine in their bathtubs while your guests chuckle awkwardly at your elitism.

7:30 -

As polls come to a close in Ohio in North Carolina, laugh amusedly at the fact that people voluntarily live in these states. Do that shuffle-dance the guy in Deliverance does during the dueling banjos scene while your guests look on uncomfortably. Your tequila is already gone.

Obama’s been campaigning hard in the typically red state of North Carolina and officials there have the option of keeping polls open until 8:30, should there be any problems. Like the systematic shooting of voters from helicopters, perhaps.

8:00 -

Polls have closed in Pennsylvania and Missouri, considering residents have put down those guns they’ve been clinging to so bitterly long enough to cast a vote. Move on to vodka and claim to be able to see Russia from your living room, with your eyes closed.

Should McCain manage to win Pennsylvania, he’ll remain in the game. The New York Times emphasizes the role the “Bradley effect” plays in highlighting racial preferences among voters in this state. Google Matt Gonzalez and sigh wistfully. Suddenly realize you haven’t washed your hair in like three weeks.

9:00 -

Polls have closed in Colorado. 46% of Colorado voters cast their votes early, probably because they have little else to do.

Dos XX all around as New Mexico also closes its polls. A historically red state, three out of every eight voters in this state are Latino. If the state grows blue balls tonight, a lot of people are going to talk relentlessly about Latinos shifting to the Democratic party. Even though we were under the impression that most non-Cuban Latinos tended to vote Democratic anyway. “So now we don’t hate Black people anymore, huh media?. You’re a bunch of PLASTAS DE MIERDA aimed at keeping minorities down and fighting among one another. For what? Your ratings? Well, fuck you,” you slur loudly, unaware that all your guests left approximately an hour ago.

9:15 -

Pass out. CBS projected the winner over an hour ago, but you missed it because you were picking something gross out of your hair.

Election Night (Popcorn Included) [NY Times]