Mariah Carey Is An Oscar Contender, In The Same Hypothetical Way That Any Movie Released In the Past Year Is An Oscar Contender

Mariah Carey’s new indie movie Tennessee will premiere next month in LA and NY, and Mariah Carey is already talking about her potential Best Original Song nominee for “Right to Dream”. Her hypothetical nominee will place her in imaginary competition with other hypothetical nominee Miley Cyrus. We hypothetically can’t wait.

Says the emotionally retarded butterfly of her masterpiece:

“She begins by telling us where she started, like she lays in bed and wonders where she left herself. A lot of people go through that sort of thing. It’s kind of about empowerment.”

We go through that sometimes. Like when “we” wake up after a party on a sidewalk in Brooklyn and we ask ourselves, “Where the hell did our brain leave our body?” And then Alex picks herself up and leaves a Facebook message about it on our wall and we turn to our other friend and say, “Her alcoholism is kind of about empowerment. A lot of people go through it.” Hm, wait. No, we lost track of the narrative. What were we talking about?

Right. The song is written from the perspective of Carey’s character Krystal, who is an aspiring singer. A diva playing an aspiring singer? That’s as emotionally and artistically complicated as J.Lo playing Selena (no offense to Selena). But, to lessen the criticism Carey will no doubt receive for this movie, we’re going to be nice and give her encouragement. We’re sure your song and your acting is Oscar-worthy, Mariah! In fact, more movies should have her in them. Can you imagine how awesome and time-tolerable There Will Be Blood would have been if she had played Daniel Plainview? We would’ve sat through three hours of Mariah drilling for oil in a pink jumper with old-timey Spanx underneath her clothes to make her waist look naturally photoshopped.

Or what about Chicago? She could have easily played Queen Latifah’s role and scored an Oscar. Ok, enough with the fat jokes. She’s not fat. It’s just that certain areas of fat are oddly held in with layers of Spanx while other parts of fat are prominently displayed. Let your curves breathe, woman!

Mariah Carey is a 2008 Oscar Contender [Defamer]