Nom Nom: Semen Recipes
19 November 2008, 5:00 PM. By Daniel Mauser
Wait! Stop! Put down that funnel and shut the refrigerator door. Don’t you realize there are more inventive, refined ways to consume massive quantities of ejaculate? In Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes, author Fotie Photenhauer takes you on a culinary journey using an everyday ingredient, semen, as a delicious and unexpected addition to various food items. That’s right! Semen isn’t just for fast food anymore!
Plus your hair and skin will look beautiful. Or so claims our local semen retailer.
We’ve compiled a list of some of our favorite dishes to share with you this holiday season. An array of exotic delicacies awaits you after the jump:
Strawberry Splasharita
You mean margaritas don’t usually contain streaks of cum?
Ingredients:
1 cup frozen sliced strawberries
1/2 cup good quality tequila
1/4 cup triple sec
1 tablespoon fresh semen
2 cups crushed ice
Directions:
Combine all ingredients except semen in a blender and blend until smooth. Pour into a sugar-rimmed [Ed. note: We don't want to know.] glass.
Float the semen over the drink. It will coagulate as it cools and adds a special finishing touch to this popular drink.
Spunky Candied Pecans
Perfect for holiday potlucks. Merry Christmas, grandma! Additionally, if you’re anything like us, “toss the pecans gently in the melted butter” will become your new go-to euphemism.
Ingredients:
1/2 cup sugar
3 cups pecans or other savory nuts
3 tablespoons melted butter
1-2 tablespoons fresh semen
Directions:
Toss the pecans gently in the melted butter on large baking sheet and bake at 350 degrees several minutes until the nuts are lightly browned. Combine the sugar and semen and perhaps a little more butter in a small bowl before stirring into the pecans. Bake another 5-8 minutes until the sugar hardens.
This almost makes us for that time we missed “Iron Chef: Battle Cockwater.” Whether consuming a friend’s semen or your own, remember to test for freshness, consistency and a subtle, salty-sweet flavor. Pair with a crisp Pinot Grigio and fresh, seasonal berries and you, friend, are in for a special treat this holiday season.
Natural Harvest - A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes [Lulu]
(20) 
Post Your Comment
Did you know you can now share a link, image or video?
Click to submit your own notas.
Ew! Gross, Guanabee. Just gross.
Wow.
guanabee.. i so want to try this! but personally i like my semen plain. like yogurt.
Semen is best eaten straight from the source, as Priapus intended.
omg.. i have no words - is this sanitary? i mean would martha stewart add these recipes to her book???
Martha Stewart has probably swallowed more than her fair share of semen. How else do you think she stays so sexy after all these years?
You call that inventive?….. I’ve been ejaculating into customers’ drinks for years…
only fresh semen?
Hmm. Can we talk about nutrition information? How many calories, for example, in a tablespoon of semen? Also, is semen vegan?
blaaaah
I got the clap from a semen infused pina colada–my suit against Pancho’s Mexican Buffet is pending –they countered, I may have gotten clap from the glory hole in the bathroom and not from the drink, so the judge has to decide if the case moves forward or gets thrown out :(
So, what if you are watching your weight? Only get spunk from dudes who are shooting blanks?
“The semen will coagulate as it cools” - ew. Have you ever eaten cold semen Guanabee? Knothx.
@ Janie A Go-Go: In a blind taste test, diet semen was chosen over regular semen 4 out of 5 times.
When I first read about this I was taking a big drink of egg nog. Yum!
While not exactly something to share at a dinner party or family get together, I think it could be a fine idea for a creative romantic dinner for a couple, whether gay or straight. Add a little pomegranite and your good to go ;)
OH EM GEEZ!!!!1 I can’t wait till I serve my spunky candied pecans at my next get together!
I have thick semen… This could be a problem as it coagulates?
Spunky little idea i guess!…. oh yea… new song based on these recipes.
“Do like ‘Penis Colada’. Getting sperm down your drain. I am not in yogurt, but I am into chamsprempaine…. Well you get the idea!
Seems like it should be a “shooter” drink as well…. Oh wait is already is naturally….
And no honey, that is NOT marshmallow sauce on your ice creamed sundae!
Mashed Potatoes…. Beat vigorously until salted to taste.
“Hey Mommy…. why does the pizza cheese taste funny.” “Oh little Johnny don’t be so silly, it’s head cheese that Daddy came home with.”
And candy bars too…. “Cookies & Cream”. All organic!
OK off to bed
What if a girl is drinking a margarita with semen in it and…. she spills it in her lap? Then while trying to wipe it some kinda…. gets in there…. and BAM nine months later she has a Salty Mexican Strawberry baby? Who pays the child support? The bar tender or the margarita?