Nom Nom: Semen Recipes
Wait! Stop! Put down that funnel and shut the refrigerator door. Don’t you realize there are more inventive, refined ways to consume massive quantities of ejaculate? In Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes, author Fotie Photenhauer takes you on a culinary journey using an everyday ingredient, semen, as a delicious and unexpected addition to various food items. That’s right! Semen isn’t just for fast food anymore!
Plus your hair and skin will look beautiful. Or so claims our local semen retailer.
We’ve compiled a list of some of our favorite dishes to share with you this holiday season. An array of exotic delicacies awaits you after the jump:
Strawberry Splasharita
You mean margaritas don’t usually contain streaks of cum?
Ingredients:
1 cup frozen sliced strawberries
1/2 cup good quality tequila
1/4 cup triple sec
1 tablespoon fresh semen
2 cups crushed ice
Directions:
Combine all ingredients except semen in a blender and blend until smooth. Pour into a sugar-rimmed [Ed. note: We don’t want to know.] glass.
Float the semen over the drink. It will coagulate as it cools and adds a special finishing touch to this popular drink.
Spunky Candied Pecans
Perfect for holiday potlucks. Merry Christmas, grandma! Additionally, if you’re anything like us, “toss the pecans gently in the melted butter” will become your new go-to euphemism.
Ingredients:
1/2 cup sugar
3 cups pecans or other savory nuts
3 tablespoons melted butter
1-2 tablespoons fresh semen
Directions:
Toss the pecans gently in the melted butter on large baking sheet and bake at 350 degrees several minutes until the nuts are lightly browned. Combine the sugar and semen and perhaps a little more butter in a small bowl before stirring into the pecans. Bake another 5-8 minutes until the sugar hardens.
This almost makes us for that time we missed “Iron Chef: Battle Cockwater.” Whether consuming a friend’s semen or your own, remember to test for freshness, consistency and a subtle, salty-sweet flavor. Pair with a crisp Pinot Grigio and fresh, seasonal berries and you, friend, are in for a special treat this holiday season.
Natural Harvest - A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes [Lulu]
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- Managing Editor
Daniel Mauser
- Editor
Cindy Casares
- Associate Editor
Alex Alvarez
- Contributing Editors
Gabriel Caro - Camilla Rowan
- Video Editor
Marcelo Cunning
Ew! Gross, Guanabee. Just gross.
Posted by denise | November 19, 2008
Wow.
Posted by Fredo | November 19, 2008
guanabee.. i so want to try this! but personally i like my semen plain. like yogurt.
Posted by la roncha | November 19, 2008
Semen is best eaten straight from the source, as Priapus intended.
Posted by Benny Lava | November 19, 2008
omg.. i have no words - is this sanitary? i mean would martha stewart add these recipes to her book???
Posted by carmelita | November 19, 2008
Martha Stewart has probably swallowed more than her fair share of semen. How else do you think she stays so sexy after all these years?
Posted by GiggityGiggity | November 19, 2008
You call that inventive?….. I’ve been ejaculating into customers’ drinks for years…
Posted by Jeebus | November 19, 2008
only fresh semen?
Posted by chana la chile | November 19, 2008
Hmm. Can we talk about nutrition information? How many calories, for example, in a tablespoon of semen? Also, is semen vegan?
Posted by Bosrican | November 19, 2008
blaaaah
Posted by Valerie | November 19, 2008
I got the clap from a semen infused pina colada—my suit against Pancho’s Mexican Buffet is pending —they countered, I may have gotten clap from the glory hole in the bathroom and not from the drink, so the judge has to decide if the case moves forward or gets thrown out :(
Posted by Patrick | November 19, 2008
So, what if you are watching your weight? Only get spunk from dudes who are shooting blanks?
Posted by Janie A Go-Go | November 19, 2008
“The semen will coagulate as it cools” - ew. Have you ever eaten cold semen Guanabee? Knothx.
Posted by El Pinche Gay | November 20, 2008
@ Janie A Go-Go: In a blind taste test, diet semen was chosen over regular semen 4 out of 5 times.
Posted by Latin_Princess | November 20, 2008
When I first read about this I was taking a big drink of egg nog. Yum!
Posted by Shoegirl | November 20, 2008
While not exactly something to share at a dinner party or family get together, I think it could be a fine idea for a creative romantic dinner for a couple, whether gay or straight. Add a little pomegranite and your good to go ;)
Posted by Ian | November 30, 2008
OH EM GEEZ!!!!1 I can’t wait till I serve my spunky candied pecans at my next get together!
Posted by Anonymous | December 02, 2008
I have thick semen… This could be a problem as it coagulates?
Posted by Thick | December 02, 2008
Spunky little idea i guess!…. oh yea… new song based on these recipes.
“Do like ‘Penis Colada’. Getting sperm down your drain. I am not in yogurt, but I am into chamsprempaine…. Well you get the idea!
Seems like it should be a “shooter” drink as well…. Oh wait is already is naturally….
And no honey, that is NOT marshmallow sauce on your ice creamed sundae!
Mashed Potatoes…. Beat vigorously until salted to taste.
“Hey Mommy…. why does the pizza cheese taste funny.” “Oh little Johnny don’t be so silly, it’s head cheese that Daddy came home with.”
And candy bars too…. “Cookies & Cream”. All organic!
OK off to bed
Posted by Mark | December 21, 2008