The “First Erotic Cell Phone Game For Women” Features Pixellated Handjobs And A Man-Child Named Jan

Spanish adult-game producer, Sexigames, recently debuted their first cell phone game for women, and we were secretly excited about it until we actually looked at the description. See, Jan was purportedly designed by women, for women, but when you actually look at the specs, here’s what you get:

You: A famous author, come to a tropical island paradise to get a little break after publishing your most recent novel. (So far, so good)
Him: A studly 30 year old surfer/waiter named Jan who loves extreme sports and hates underpants, politicians and getting up early.

And that’s where it starts to go downhill, as Jan is revealed to be a confusing amalgamation of different fantasies, part carefree surfer man-child, part earnest commie-liberal, part pixellated cock. Would you like to see aforementioned pixellated cock? Of course you would. Obviously, NWS:

First, the teaser shot- Jan shirtless, hands carelessly on his hips and a bunch of numbers on his torso which we are guessing represent options? Maybe like, what spot you want to spray lube on first?

Oh, our bad, you wanted to give him a handjob. Of course you did! That’s actually the thing women complain about most- the lack of handjob-requests they get from their partners.

To back up a bit, here’s how you seduced Jan:

You were at the local bar when you noticed him behind the bar-the surfer from the beach. He smiles at you but seems busy, so you’ll have to be the one to make the first move. Then, like any self-respecting woman, you tell him he’s a hot piece of ass and ask him if he “knows how to do anything besides fly over the waves like a Caribbean Adonis?” Apparently the answer is yes, he also knows how to waggle his digital weenis at you. Since we haven’t played the game we can’t say for sure, but Sexigames claims there are “15 scenes of varying erotic intensity,” so we can only hope there’s more to life than handjobs.

Hey if it works for you, awesome, but this turns us on about as much as paperclips do. The creators made such a big deal about how they interviewed all these women of different ages to get their opinion on what they’d want in a game, but we can’t help but think it seems just like what men think women want- in other words, what porn has taught us all to think we want. And in fact, two of the collaborators are Spanish porn stars, Ana Ros and Ana López. Our problem with that is that ultimately, mainstream porn is made for men, and thus caters to their desires. So instead of a scenario where Jan seduces you and tells you how your eyes are like limpid pools of something or other, you have to be the sexually rapacious woman who puts her legs in the air for any old man-child with a Billabong tattoo on his hip. Have these people even met a woman (who was not a porn star)???

The best part? One of Jan’s descriptions is “doesn’t like hypocrisy.”

About Jan [Sexigames]

JAN, UN JUEGO PARA VOSOTRAS [Sexigames]

‘Jan’, un juego erótico para mujeres [20 Minutos]