Aw, David Archuleta fans. Little archulettuces growing in a garden watered by the bitter tears of an adolescence frittered away on a boy who resembles a Monchichi. We were tween girls once too, you know. It’s true! It was horrible! We wore baggy cargo pants, wrote various poems and planned our wedding to Savage Garden’s lead singer, Darren. Who later turned out to be gay. Which, we suppose, was fitting. Yes, we sketched him. Over and over. But we had the good sense not to post such things on the internet.

The same cannot be said for the tween girls in the video after the jump. Girls, really. That shit belongs hidden in Trapper Keepers and shoeboxes decorated with glitter glue. Not on the internet where mean-spirited bloggers can find them and mock them in some misguided effort to chastise themselves for their own adolescent dorkiness:

Aw. Don’t worry, girls. No one makes it through puberty unscathed. You’re in good company. Channel that pain and awkwardness properly and you will eventually blossom into young adults who will look back on this period in your lives and life. Or, channel that pain and awkwardness improperly and you can become bloggers who make fun of children on the internet. Either way, we all lose.

Now tell us. Which one of you wrote the following fanfic?:

Erin closed the book and put the pencil down. She was just about ready to wrap hiom around her finger like a fruit roll up sheet.

“Okay…?” David was so confused, he had no idea what Erin was about to do.

Erin got up and spread her legs to sit on his lap facing him. She ran her fingers down his chest to the end of his shirt, and put her hands under it and kept them there. She pushed her hair aside and began to nibble on his ear.By now, David was in complete shock.

“Erin..what…..are you doing?” He asked slowly as she planted little kisses from his ear down to his neck and began to bite him.

At first, David closed his eyes and let her take over his body. But then he realized he just couldn’t, everything he stands for cant be ruined because of the pleasure he felt as Erin slowly grinded on him. he began to breathe deeper as she moaned in his ear.

“No..” He snapped back to reality and gently pushed her off of him.

“David, you cannot pretend that you don’t want me!” Erin yelled.

“I can’t..I mean I DON’T! ERIN, YOU CAN’T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME! I won’t let you. Im not a toy to play with like all the other guys at school you associate with, I have morals. And I’m not going to break them for you, out of all people not you! I’ll see you tommorow or something.”

With that he let him self out of her house,leaving Erin to think about what he just said. And that’s exactly what she did, for the rest of the night.

Because, damn. That was fairly awesome. And we could use a new writer.

The Worst Day Of Their Lives [via dlisted]
David Archuleta Fansite [Archuleta Fans]