Miley Cyrus was on the Ellen show, where she denied rumors that she’s dating a 20-year old-former underwear model, Justin Gaston, and where she generally acted mentally unstable. When faced with the obvious statement that it seems like she’s dating that one guy she answers, “I can see that.” Ellen very smoothly replies, “Everyone can see that.” The conversation would be completely unbearable but Miley, ever the pro, fills every potential awkward pause with an uproarious giggle and corresponding muscle spasms. Selena Gomez would never do this:

After twitching nervously on (not “in”) her chair — no doubt in a vain attempt to calm those butterflies in her stomach that keep calling out for whatever barbiturates she’s been prescribed but is refusing to take — she preempts future naysayers by stating, “I giggle about everyone. I’m just a giggler.” She then provides an example in which she makes a boring statement accompanied with a forced giggle. Because nothing says “I’m drug free” like insisting you always laugh at the mention of people’s names then making a non-sequitur and laughing at it.

As the interview moves on in the slowest moving time possible, Ellen poses the question, “How long have you been dating?” Miley responds, “We’ve been friends for, like, a couple months.” (That’s a decade in Christian years) Ellen repeats the question, this time getting the response, “I don’t know.” Miley then inexplicably — or perhaps for reasons only a true Christian can understand— yells in an unusually defensive manner, “He’s funny!” She bellows a gigantic yawp and spasms some more. Miley decides to end the discussion by stating that she likes him because he’s a Christian. Because after the failure to stop Prop 8, a gay woman whose marriage now legally means nothing really wants to hear all about how “Christian” your “friend” is. Props to Ellen for not slapping her.

If you dare to doubt our summary, we invite you to view the video below. But remember, you’ve been warned: