Your Official Guanabee Guide To Finding Happiness - And Love - At Walmart
5 November 2008, 6:05 PM. By Carlos Posas
Given the economy has gone to caca-poopoo and even 99 cent stores can’t afford to stay open, it looks like we’re going to be doing most of our shopping at our friendly neighborhood Walmart. A place where you can buy fishing bait, tampons and Ring Dings all in one store? We’re there. Sure, they don’t provide adequate health care for their employees. But Obama is here to change that! We ain’t worried. Just let us at those Ring Dings. And maybe our next future ex-boyfriend? It could totally happen!
But, first, we’re going to jot down a few guidelines for making the most of your Walmart shopping experience:
- Dress to impress
Sure, people might tell you that Walmart is “trashy” or “low-class,” but they’re just elitist arugula-munchers who don’t understand what some of us can’t afford to spend six dollars on a box of Kashi. Plus, with more and more people projected to shop at Walmart in an effort to save money, it isn’t inconceivable that you just might end up finding Miss or Mr. Right / Right Now while you shop for deals on toilet paper.
- Make a list
With such a wide assortment of products, you’re going to end up leaving the store with about six more tubs of mayonnaise than you need. It’s tempting to buy every bottle of shampoo, imitation cheese product and goat lubricant that you pass, but stick to a list of items you need and you’ll avoid having to explain why you’re shampooing a goat with cheese in your backyard.
- Perfect your sexy pout
Do you know how many international supermodels were discovered at Walmart? All of them. Practice making sexy faces in your bathroom mirror before putting them to use amidst aisles and aisles of slightly irregular sweatshirts embellished with Looney Tunes characters in thugwear.
- Bring your kids
Kids get lost at Walmart, like, all the time. Maybe this time it’ll be one of yours!
- Have fun
Bring this handy bingo card on your next Walmart shopping excursion and watch the hours fly by!
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I already hit those diggs. WM the best place to be!
Extra points for a white girl with 3 multiracial children and a visible Confederate flag tattoo?
She was not (as far as I could tell) pregnant.
i haven’t been to walmart in who knows how long.. it’s to far from my house.. target is closer.
That reminds me I gotta remember to look for my penny saver in the mail!
Here’s the hilarious thing: down here in the Mexico, Walmart is actually considered one of the classy supermarkets, right up there with Sam’s Club and Liverpool.
Wait till December. Christmas at Walmart is a spectacle that can not be missed. Imagine tramp stamp preggo fighting obese scooter person for the last Tickle Me Elmo… awesome!
@calaverita: You take me back to my Mexico childhood when you mention El Puerto de LiverPUL! (But I actually preferred it when we went to Aurrera, cuz that’s where I could get all the comic books in English.)
The card is missing a square: “Entire shopping cart filled with Cheetos.”
You forgot witnessing child abuse. A staple at ye olde Wal-Mart.
How about the creeps hanging outside of walmart checking out the goods. I’m sorry to say that I had a friend who was actually one of those creeps and actually hung outside walmart parking lots on Saturdays (his day off) checking out the girls or boys for that matter. Since my neighborhood walmart is right next to the border to Tijuana, we get a wide assortment of raza dressed to the nines, all pipiris-nais. On more than one occasion I felt underdressed, I felt that the wife beater, PJ’s, and winos didn’t cut it. Now when I go to walmart I make sure I’m wearing a pressed shirt, jeans, and some shiny papos.
I propose a new square.
Inappropriately dressed girl under 12 years of age.
Extra square if a thong is sticking out of her pants.
Yes, I have witnessed the above at Wal-Mart numerous times. I am in Orlando FL, so I get to see them from different countries of the world. Seriously. WTF is wrong with parents these days?
@ G-Bee: Did you guys make that Bingo board? I have received it twice as an e-mail attachment today. Weird.