Australian Designer Invents “Spanx For Men,” To Raucous Laughter From Female Population

A shrewd designer from Australia has finally invented the male equivalent of Spanx: The Core Precision undershirt, a specially engineered garment that promises to crush men’s internal organs and streamline their beer belly. What’s this we’re feeling? Is it the burgeoning flutterings of hope for equality between the sexes? It may well be! But we have to wonder, what are the chances this will actually become a trend? After all, which is stronger- men’s vanity, or their desire to breathe?

One intrepid British reporter submitted himself as a guinea pig and wore the shirt for a day. After an initial sweaty struggle to get into the shirt he ended up loving how he looked and felt (but we are tempted to chalk this up to him being a kinky repressed Brit.)

Trying hard to keep breathing, I manage to measure my waist. Shock. It has shrunk to just over 30in, a trouser size not seen in my wardrobe for more than 20 years. I’ve sliced 3in off my waistline in 7 seconds. My hot, red face looks blankly back at me in the mirror, my hair is a bird’s nest and my eyes are glazed with the struggle of it all.

Pulling on my now slightly too-big-for-me clothes, I look normal again, but better: I think I look a fraction taller and just a bit thinner. Leaving my flat, I feel firm and invincible, like a pumped-up football. At the Tube station, I arrogantly barge softer mortals out of the way, like Jelly Babies against a balloon.

Observe the newly-invincible in all their taut, leaning, undershirt-clad glory:

Personally, we have never tried Spanx (our badonk is not to be restrained) but the whole idea seems a bit scary to us. What happens when you win the boy or girl and take them home, only to have to excuse yourself to wrestle the garment off? According to the reporter, you would end up hideous and sweaty and three inches thicker, at which point we can only imagine the potential mate would flinch away violently and mumble something about work in the morning.

And how many men would really have the urge to wear the Equmen undershirt? In our experience they rarely have the self-possession to notice when their fly is down and they smell like fetid cheese, so it doesn’t seem likely that they’d take the time to think about slimming undergarments. What do you think- is this a positive step towards equalizing standards of beauty between the genders? Or is this garment idiotic and unnecessary?

THIEVES: Company Ganks Tim Gunn’s Manx [Best Week Ever]
Core Precision undershirt - the new Spanx for men? [Times]