Beyond The Barrio: CIA Admits To Bribing Afghans With Viagra (Insert Firing Missiles Joke Here)

CIA officials in Afghanistan have admitted to using prescription medications like Viagra as bribes for Afghan informants, saying that the popular aphrodisiac has proved to be one of the most popular forms of bribes. Bribes in general are now seen by the CIA as a very basic element of how relations between Americans and Afghans function, which is kind of depressing, actually.

“Whatever it takes to make friends and influence people — whether it’s building a school or handing out Viagra,” said one longtime agency operative.

Whatever happened to good old-fashioned trust building exercises like falling backwards into blankets? No, kids these days, they demand bribes before they’ll consider you part of their team. But why Viagra?

The quotes from the CIA paint a picture both patronizing and realistic. Afghanistan is made up of a complicated network of alliances and feuds, where labeling someone “Taliban” often simply means that they oppose the current government. So the key, for American operatives, is to get information from a huge number of well-placed informants, with a minimum of stirring up the waters. Viagra happens to be one of the best ways to woo informants because for one, it’s not flashy- you take it, you party, end of story. But of course, the CIA “informants” can’t resist taking it a step further with a lot of elbow-nudging, by snickeringly mentioning how all middle eastern men have frifteen skillion wives and have a desperate need to be seen as ragingly virile;

“You didn’t hand it out to younger guys, but it could be a silver bullet to make connections to the older ones,” said one retired operative. Afghan tribal leaders often had four wives — the maximum number allowed by the Koran — and aging village patriarchs were easily sold on the utility of a pill that could “put them back in an authoritative position,” the official said.

Ah yes, those quaint Afghans and their equating of political power with manly activities, cough, America’s obsession with giant guns and the right to drag them around everywhere, cough.

Well, we guess it’s better than if the CIA were handing out party drugs or steroids or something. Maybe this is all part of a super subtle long-term CIA strategy to “make love not war” in Afghanistan? Yeah, we’ll keep dreaming.

Little Blue Pills Among the Ways CIA Wins Friends in Afghanistan [Washington Post]