Fresa Shake: Eres Magazine Still Exists, Offers Tips On How To Flirt In Traffic

The latest issue of Eres, the official magazine for hijas de papi, has tons of fantastic tips on how to flirt while in traffic. Being from Miami, we’re inclined to think this is something of a terrible idea that will get you shot immediately. But, you know. We guess all’s fair in love and war and there’s no reason why the developmentally disabled shouldn’t also get a shot at love while putting other motorists’ lives in danger.

For those of you who think this might be a lame way to meet people, the article assures you that the experience will be “very romantic and interesting.”

Eres’ tips for looking desperate and strange on the highway, after the jump:

• Drive In The Center Lane.

  This way, you can be sure to flirt with cars on either side of yours and cause other drivers the maximum amount of annoyance. The article warns that one must proceed with caution when gawking at fellow motorists, lest one should get involved in a horrific accident. It’s all worth it, though, because there really is such a thing as “love at first sight.” A good fact to keep in mind when your eyeballs shoot out of your face as you are inevitably engulfed in a ball of flame and molten metal after being rear-ended by an SUV.

• Park.

  Parking alongside the same spot on a busy street each week will definitely aid in your ability to scope some roadside hotties. Once you set your sights on a potential suitor, take care to note distinguishing features - such as the color of his or her car or your potential lover’s license plate number. You might even get a chance to touch this person right before you get arrested for stalking.

• Perfect Your “Flirty Face.”

  If your idea of playing the coquette involves a series of awkward facial ticks accompanied by low moaning, you’re ok. No one is fucking going to ask you out while you’re both in your cars unless he or she happens to be a serial killer and/or carrying various STDs.

• Draw Some Poor People Into Your Ridiculous Charade.

  Now that you’ve spotted and made eye contact with the next person you’ll add to the vest of flesh you’re sewing, you can grab their attention by using the various fruit and flower vendors that work by the sides of roads. Buy your new sweetie a bag of limes or a bouquet of carnations from a vendor! Maybe this person will even make it to your cutie-pie’s car before being run over by an Escalade or passing out due to sun stroke.

Wasn’t that fun? Of course, if you live in a place where people rely more on public transportation, you can always do as we do and vomit profusely on some hot person’s lap while realizing that, no, the G train will never arrive. Then, have fun running away from a homeless drunk before passing out in a puddle of what you home is your own urine.

Yay, flirting!