Guanabee’s Guide To Surviving The Holidays: Part II

Contributing Editors Anastasia Hinojosa and Camilla Rowan decided to filter through all the muck and sentimentality of the holiday season and get right down to putting together news you can use: tips on surviving this difficult, tinsel-strewn season. In Part II of our guide, Camilla teaches you how to fake sobriety and religious tolerance, among other things.

Ahhh, X-mas. It seems so saucy and full of possibility when you write it like that. Way better than the reality, which is that Christmas is one of the least sex-filled times of the year- rooms full of relatives, incapacitating bouts of binge-eating and the suspicion that Jesus is squinting judgmentally at you from the shadows all contribute to make your sex life vanish like a fart in the wind. So how to entertain yourselves, left to your own devices? The Holidays (TM) can be surprisingly fun, once you resign yourselves to the awkwardness and chaos, so gird your loins, slap on a smile and heed Guanabee’s words of wisdom:

Drinking And Then Feigning Sobriety

Playing sober isn’t as hard as it sounds, since most of your family will probably also be with you somewhere along the spectrum from tipsy to sloshed. Alcohol, though technically poison, is also nature’s social lubricant so it is basically the most important thing on your menu. Otherwise it would be all too “real” when grammie starts yelling racist/xenophobic/terrible things. We suggest starting out slow, with a glass of wine diluted by ice cubes. We know, ice in wine is tacky as all hell but it’ll save you from passing out before the first course is through. Also, it’s not like you’ll be drinking a rare 90 dollar bottle of Chateau LePeep, so who cares about putting ice in it! Hell, put coke in it if you want (cough, Spain, those disgusting Calimochos). Now the tricky part is after dinner when your sweet, well-meaning tia pulls you aside for a “life talk.” She’ll be really hurt if you don’t listen and participate. So. How do you pretend you’re not seeing her in triplicate? Make sure you’re sitting, preferably on a hard chair with arms or something to keep you from falling off. It’s OK to lean your head on the wall if it’s close enough- she’ll think you are thoughtfully musing over what she is saying. MOST IMPORTANT: do not close one eye. Yes, it is extremely tempting because it takes away the double vision and minimizes the spinny feeling, but it’s a dead giveaway. Remember to nod your head once in a while and try not to talk too much, and you should be home free. If she starts to look suspicious because you’re slurring your words and hiccuping, just tell her you’re still recovering from Grandpa’s passing. A cheap move, but it’ll do in an emergency.

Friends And Family Who Don’t Celebrate Christmas

Since most western nations celebrate their “winter holiday” around Christmas time, it’s understandable that we associate the whole time with the Christian holiday. But that doesn’t make it OK to yell PAGAN WHORE! at your sister, k? We should know- in our family we have Jews, Christians, atheists and wannabe buddhists, which makes for plenty of hijinx and bewilderment. But it’s essential to remember the real reason you’re hanging out around the “holiday” tree- no, not Jesus bursting forth merrily from Mary’s flesh-chimney, but family. Family is the reason we’re all here, so try to keep that in mind and just skip the religion part, at least when you’re all in one room. Nod and smile when your mother wishes you a happy Solstice, and clap along if you don’t know the words to Away in a Manger (honestly, who does?).

Sharing A Bed Or Room With Relatives

Unless you’re lucky enough to live close to all of your family or rich enough to stay in a nearby hotel, you’ll probably be double-bunking with a relative and we don’t mean that in a fun kissing-cousins way (Remember what we said about inbreeding? Bad news!) Privacy will be limited and failure to get along is not an option. Ideally you’ll be put with someone you like, but what if it’s a snoring aunt? First, if it’s at your house, hide the stash. Your room will most likely be given to an elder, so it’s super important to clean out all contraband material before they come and happen upon your anal beads, “Best of Menudo” DVD or whatever crap you pervs are hiding in the sock drawer. If you can’t avoid sharing a room with someone you don’t easily get along with, make sure to have plenty of distractions to ease the experience for both of you. DVD’s, family gossip, old photo albums and Wii systems are all sure-bets to have you both cackling… or at least sitting in mutual sullen silence.

Creepy Relatives

We used to have these three boy cousins who were incredibly creepy, not to mention about as civilized as mad dogs. Favorite memories include the time they broke all the power windows in our van, the time one of them took a flash picture of us and then showed everyone how it made our dress see-through, and the classic time one of them made us role-play Star Trek with them for an entire Thanksgiving. So how did we manage to not lose our shit? Before we were old enough to drink, we would lock the door to our room and hide in the closet. But that doesn’t fly so much these days. We recommend one of two strategies: Confront them. Don’t put up with their weird bullshit anymore. If it’s innuendo, shame them out of it by asking them loudly if they’ve ever Google image-searched “inbreeding.” Alternately, beat them at their own game by being creepier than they are. Tactics include but are not limited to; faking rabidity with toothpaste-froth, putting all your hair forward and playing that girl from the ring, and asking them which Pokemon they’d rather “do”.

This concludes our heart-felt effort to ease any pre-holiday stress you might be feeling- we hope our tips were useful or at least good fodder for mockery. We all know laughter is the best medicine, which, in the immortal words of Jack Handy, ” Is why several of us died of tuberculosis.” May you grow wiser, stronger and even more beautiful than you already are in the coming new year!