Guanabee’s New Years Resolutions For The Stars And For You

Old Wang Songgg! Or however the song goes… We’re already buzzed, nauseous and ready to ring in the New Year!

In honor of this most beloved of holidays, we’ve decided to -do poppers- put together a list of resolutions for our seven favorite Latinos who made news this year.

If you happen to know any of them personally, please forward them this post (for everyone’s sake).

And don’t forget to let us know what you’re resolving to do differently this year. Unless it’s something boring like “lose weight.” That’s way too vague. Be more specific. Example: Lose weight by doing more coke.

Our resolutions for the stars (and what you cna learn from them!), after the jump:

Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera’s new look, while awful, is also unoriginal. This whole “I didn’t steal Lady Gaga’s look. Is that a man? See, I totally don’t know her” (actual quote!) thing is getting old. While we would completely believe that Christina dresses herself, we’re even more likely to believe that she pays someone to come up with her many horrendous looks. The chance that this “stylist” of hers simply stole an up-and-coming dance artist’s look is far more likely than two people deciding a simple, blonde wig and ridiculous eye makeup is awesome. This is Christina Aguilera after all. When has she ever decided on anything simple?

Resolution: Stop stealing other people’s looks or stop lying about stealing other people’s looks. Whichever works best for her.

Salma Hayek

Salma Hayek is a lovely person. She has lovely breasts, a lovely billionaire baby daddy, and a lovely future-billionaire heiress. We don’t have anything against her choosing to smoke. We do question why she would have a cigarette in her mouth around her future meal ticket, though. Sure, you can point out that Salma’s rich on her own. But movie star money is nothing compared to billionaire money.

Resolution: Stop endangering the health of your billionaire baby. Not everyone gets the change to procreate with a billionaire. Salma needs to be more grateful!

Eva Mendes

Eva Mendes is gorgeous. Some people say that we look like Eva Mendes (not many, but there is that one person). So for the sake of our twin’s future in show business, we highly recommend that Eva take a role in which she doesn’t have to disrobe, make out with someone, or be gorgeous. It’s called an “ugly role.” Charlize Theron has done it. Halle Berry has done it. Even J.Lo did it for that one movie, Enough. (She looks really bad with short hair.)

Resolution: Take an ugly role. Be someone’s ugly best friend or star in a movie about coal miners. Whatever it takes to ensure you won’t be seen as just a pretty face and a really hot body.

Perez Hilton

It kills us to even mention this guy, but we feel that something needs to be said. Perez Hilton, you need to stick to gossiping. This whole “I’m gonna do press interviews and write books and be on CNN with Anderson Cooper” is annoying us. Sure, we’d do an interview with Anderson Cooper in a heartbeat, but we’re different. We don’t have a book deal or Paris Hilton’s phone number.

Resolution: Stick to drawing cum stains on famous people’s faces. If you ever feel tempted to go outside and stand in front of a camera, look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I have a face for the internet.”

Bill Richardson

Bill Richardson, current Governor of New Mexico and future Commerce Secretary, isn’t famous in the way that Salma Hayek or even Perez Hilton is famous. He’s a politician. People kind of know who he is but no one except nerds and political science students really care. (Be honest.) But there is something we do care about. His face. We have to look at it whenever it’s on TV and we’ve decided we want his beard back. He shaved it, for some reason, and now he looks like a regular politician guy. Boring.

Resolution: Grow awesome facial hair back. It’s very distinguished.

Selena Gomez

Selena Gomez is a cute little person. Okay, she’s probably taller than us, but she’s really young and has a small looking head. We love her! Well, except for her YouTube addiction. It’s great that Selena isn’t like Miley Cyrus — no awkward, beaver-faced pictures of her in her undies floating around the internet. But she has made one fatal mistake that Miley, and seemingly every young female celebrity out there, has made: She’s dating a Jonas Brother. Allegedly. Or something. All we know is that she takes to her YouTube account every five seconds to gush about him and promote his CDs, concerts, mall appearances, etc.

Resolution: Stop being a tool. You’re a pretty young lady and you don’t need to define yourself by the dick you’re not even touching. Leave emotional dependence for when you’re 35 and it’s your last chance to have a baby.

Nicole Richie

We never thought we’d see this day, but Nicole Richie is officially seemingly-normal. We’re not going to declare that she is normal because we wouldn’t know. But she seems balanced and happy ever since she’s had that Harlot (is the T silent?) kid of hers.

Resolution: Continue staying away from Paris Hilton. It seems to help.

Dear Readers, if there’s anything to learn from this year, it’s that celebrities are stupid and we should not be like them. If you’re at all like any of these people — and we’re guessing there are quite a few Selena Gomezes out there — then consider applying our resolutions for them to your own life. And don’t even pretend like you’ve never stolen someone’s fashion ideas, gone Fatal Attraction on a boyfriend, smoked around a few kids, or typecast yourself as a woman who takes off clothes for a “movie role”. We know you pretty well by now.

Oh yeah, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!