Guanabee’s Official Latino Yummability Index

Guanabee’s Associate Editor, Alex Alvarez, and Contributing Editors Anastasia Hinojosa and Camilla Rowan, inspired by Gabriel’s “Fuckability Index,” go together to determine the best dish according to the highly-scientific “Latino Yummability Index.” Dig in! Oh, wait. You got some cuy in your teeth there, bro.

Grab on to your chilaquiles and stockpile your serranos, kids, cause it’s war these days out there in the wild world of Latin cuisine! Foodie website Epicurious.com is stumbling all over itself to tell us how sexy and firey Latin food is all of a sudden and we are nodding and smiling blithely like twelve-thousand years of history is breaking news to us, too. But which Latin country deserves the award for best twelve-thousand years of tasty history? Should we listen to the food Nazis who try to turn everything into ham foam and cactus shavings, or tell them to suck on a plantain and try simple food like delicious, classic tortillas (with whatever unspeakable amount of cheese you might want to fill it with)? Decide for yourself (or be brainwashed by Guanabee’s choices) after the jump:

Mexico

Tortillas. Okay, not a dish, per se, but a staple essential to Mexican living, Mexican culture, and any Mexican family. Proto-tortillas originated with the Aztecs and were not served with sour cream. We’ve always stuck with flour tortillas because they’re what our grandma made daily at 5 am. Our favorite meal to make using tortillas? Chalupas. We usually make ours with just meat and beans. Beans aren’t a big deal. Just go to the store and buy a can, then heat ‘em up on the stove in a pot. Buy some ground meat and cook that in a skillet. No big deal. Then take a tortilla and fry it in a skillet with tons of butter or oil. Once that’s done, just slather some beans on the tortilla and pour some meat on top of it. If your family is like ours, once the food is done you’ll then need to steal the remote from your grandma, who is probably watching “Destilando Amor” and ranting with your dad about how stupid Rodrigo is.

- Presentation 2

- Taste 1

- Ease of Preparation 5

- Amount of Different Cultural Baggage That Went Into Making This 1

Tex-Mex

Tex-Mex cooking has had quite an impact on how non-Latinos view Latin cuisine, and the appeal of dishes like nachos and cheese with refried beans and sour scream is not to be ignored - even hours after they’ve been consumed. But, for the moment, we’re focusing on fideo. Fideo can be considered a traditional Mexican dish, but we’re considering it Tex-Mex because every Friday we get it from a Tex-Mex-oriented taqueria. [Ed. note: Really, distinguishing something from "Mexican" and "Tex-Mex" is difficult when one is from Texas and is of Mexican ancestry.] Fideo is basically a bowl with broth, tomato sauce, lumps of chicken, garlic, salt-n-pepper, and fideo (vermicelli) mixed in. Because there’s chicken in it, some people call it “Chicken Fideo”. We don’t. You order fideo; you get chicken in it. It usually comes with a side of charro beans and rice, but so do most Tex-Mex dishes. Since we can only order fideo on Fridays (and the restaurant seems to run out by the afternoon). We all get out of work — the unemployed ones get out of bed — and rush to our local Mexican restaurant to get a table before all of the other Mexicans. It’s tricky because they don’t serve fideo before 11am but they’re out of it by 1pm. Timing is essential.

- Presentation 3

- Taste 5

- Ease of Preparation 3

- Amount of Different Cultural Baggage That Went Into Making This 1

Chile

Sure, bistec a lo probre may just look like a pile of unhealthy foods to the casual observer — steak covered in fried eggs, fried onions, and some french fries to boot — but it’s actually one of the most popular dishes in Peru, Chile, and Argentina and is possibly one of God’s greatest gifts to man (in front of free will, behind the iPod). Many countries have their own spin on the dish, but we know a Chilean person who once cooked it, so we identify it with Chile.

The title of the dish is very misleading, since poor people in Chile actually can’t afford to eat beef everyday, but it’s still not so expensive that only the privileged bourgeois eat it. We know the dish as a dinner meal, but we’re sure you can eat it at any time of the day when you have a few hours to spare for digestion. This dish is not only amazingly good but it also exemplifies Chilean cuisine - meat and fried, greasy food.

- Presentation 5

- Taste 5

- Ease of Preparation 5

- Amount of Different Cultural Baggage That Went Into Making This 5

Argentina

Empanadas are a common dish served at parties, eaten as snacks on-the-go, or served as a main course. Empanadas are descendants of an Arab dish developed during their occupation of what is now known as “Espain.” We happen to be familiar with them, firstly, through a former Haitian boss of ours who ate them everyday for lunch (and often bought one for us). Argentine empanadas come in a variety of styles (friend, baked) and fillings. The appeal of empanadas match the appeal of taquitos for us. They’re substantial enough to stand alone as a meal but they’re also good enough to eat as snacks throughout the day. This is especially important for us because we think a truly good dish is one you can eat everyday, any time of the day, and never get tired of it.

- Presentation 2

- Taste 3

- Ease of Preparation 4

- Amount of Different Cultural Baggage That Went Into Making This 5

Brazil

Moqueca is a spicy fish stew that comes in several varieties, depending on who your ancestors were. If you count yourself as a native Brazilian (Quick, think! Did you burst inexplicably into a butt-shaking samba frenzy within the last hour? If so, you are probably Brazilian) then you’ll make the stew with fish, onions, garlic, tomatoes, cilantro and chili pepper, but you’ll use only olive or soy oil and never coconut milk. Congrats! You have made Moqueca Caipixaba. If you’re of more African descent, you’ll use the same basic ingredients but add coconut milk, palm oil and often shrimp or crab, a.k.a. Moqueca Baiana a.k.a. get in our belly NOW.

- Presentation 3

- Taste 5

- Ease of Preparation 2

- Amount of Different Cultural Baggage That Went Into Making This 4

Peru

Peruvian cuisine comes from a freakish and wonderful mix of heritages, from Inca and Spanish to Basque, African, Japanese and Italian (to name a few). Peruvian ceviche makes extensive use of limes — which came to Peru via northern Africa — and fish from Peru’s coast. So if you’re feeling all sentimental and nationalistic you can write a poem about how this dish is like the two lands are holding hands and celebrating their mingled heritage, bla bla bla. Whatever, we’re just here for the spicy corvina. Bonus round; “Local custom recommends ceviche as a breakfast for sleepwalkers, a hangover cure and as an aphrodisiac.” So if you’re married to a drunken narcoleptic impotent guy… yeah.

- Presentation 1

- Taste 4

- Ease of Preparation 1

- Amount of Different Cultural Baggage That Went Into Making This 5

Colombia

The word “Arepas” supposedly comes from the north coast Caracas indians and means “maize.” This would make sense, since Arepas have been around since forever, and they are made out of corn. Sold on every street corner, the delicious little cakes are what pretzels are to New York, except that you can fill them with cheese, deli meat, coconut, or even shark (cazón). Colombia 1, New York 0 on the shark-eating front.

- Presentation 1

- Taste 4

- Ease of Preparation 4

- Amount of Different Cultural Baggage That Went Into Making This 2

Venezuela

Coastal Venezuela shares a lot with its Caribbean neighbors, including a version of this traditional rice and beans dish. They do theirs up fancy with shredded beef, and often add fried plantain slices or a fried egg (pabellón con barandas or pabellón a caballo). We kind of feel like this is closer to our idea of a hangover cure than spicy lime-juice covered raw fish, but call us crazy.

- Presentation 2

- Taste 4

- Ease of Preparation 3

- Amount of Different Cultural Baggage That Went Into Making This 3

Ecuador

We had to cover our chinchilla’s eyes while writing this. But yes, cooked guinea pig is one of Ecuador’s national dishes, being both one of the oldest dishes and the most beloved. The meat is considered a good source of protein and the animal itself is used while alive for shamanic cleansing rituals, since it is thought to absorb bad energy. Cuy meat is considered a delicacy, and most popularly eaten at christenings and marriages, but can also be used as a daily meat… or found on the corner as a snack, staring pathetically back at you from a stick.

- Presentation 5

- Taste 3

- Ease of Preparation 2

- Amount of Different Cultural Baggage That Went Into Making This 5

Costa Rica

For the average Costa Rican, or tico, “Pura Vida” means sitting back with a heaping plate of casado and a bottle or five of Imperial. This dish exists in different variations across Latin America. In fact, you met its Venezuelan cousin recently. Casado often includes gallo pinto – rice and black beans fried with peppers, onions and spices. During cooking, the white rice takes on a purplish-black color from the beans, resulting in a colorful “painted rooster” (The dish’s translated name – just go with it). Gallo pinto is often credited to Costa Rica’s African population, who would also sometimes add coconut to the dish. As part of Costa Rica’s on-going, eh, “relationship” to Nicaragua and Nicaraguans, there exists some debate as to whether gallo pinto originated in one country or the other. Nicaragua’s version differs from Costa Rica’s in that, there, it’s typically made with red beans.

Besides bitter rivalry, casados may also contain fried sweet plantains, a mixed salad, fried eggs, shredded beef, chicken or pork, a corn tortilla and a sizable chunk of salty-sweet farmer’s cheese. The name “casado” refers to the fact that it’s typically only married men who are able to eat so heartily. Ah, machismo! Were you but a charming anecdote set in the footnotes of a dog-eared cookbook.

- Presentation 3

- Taste 4

- Ease of Preparation 3

- Amount of Different Cultural Baggage That Went Into Making This 5

Puerto Rico

Sizzling in any given Puerto Rican’s cook frying pan is a long and arduous history, from the Tainos and Arawaks who first called the island Borikén home, to the Spanish colonizers who begged to differ, to the African and Asian slaves who were brought to work in the island’s fields and urban centers. Indigenous crops like yucca, guayaba and achiote were soon found plated alongside European foods like sugarcane, olives, eggplant and beef and African delicacies like okra, coffee, malanga and gandules. Arroz con gandules is a dish typically found on many Puerto Rican tables and, as with many Caribbean dishes, it all starts with a base of sofrito (a flavor-packed mix of vegetables and herbs). Add to this olive oil, chopped ham, rice, a packet of sazón (heaven in salty, sweet, savory powdered form, courtesy of the good people at Goya) and those aforementioned gandules. And then –- ay, nene –- you’ve got yourself a meal.

- Presentation 3

- Taste 3

- Ease of Preparation 4

- Amount of Different Cultural Baggage That Went Into Making This 4

Dominican Republic

Sancocho is a stew that has its origins in the Canary Islands, where it is often made with seafood. In the DR, sancocho is also known as “Sancocho de siete carnes” or “Seven Meat Sancocho” and is made with chicken, pork, meat, goat, sausage, your kitchen sink, etc. The name derives from the seven islands of the Canary Islands. The dish also contains yucca, malanga, plantains, corn, yam or pretty much anything that’s delicious and isn’t nailed to the ground. Are you still reading this and not salivating? Really? Oye, mi rey, cariño, tesoro, I’m sorry but what is wrong with you?

- Presentation 4

- Taste 3

- Ease of Preparation 2

- Amount of Different Cultural Baggage That Went Into Making This 3

Cuba

Onto Cuba, an island which one of your gentle authoresses must take great care not to refer to as, officially, the Jewel of the Caribbean and, alternately, “Heaven.” Under Communism, the island has witnessed alterations in everything from international politics to everyday cuisine. For instance, ration books limit the amount of meat most families on the island are able to eat. Which is really cuts into your vaca frita time.

Cuba, as everyone knows, is where food was first invented. Among these innovations in nourishment was vaca frita, literally “fried cow.” We are a poetic people. The dish contains, as you might have guessed, crispy fried strips or finely shredded beef and is always (always) served with carmelized onions. And the best place to get vaca frita? Is in Queens! (Con todo respeto a Versailles, por supuesto.) Rincón Criollo in Corona. Their vaca frita is good enough to turn Fidel into fideo and their waiter will make endless fun of your gringo boyfriend. Bonus!

- Presentation 4

- Taste 5

- Ease of Preparation 4

- Amount of Different Cultural Baggage That Went Into Making This 3

Spain

Ah, Spain. She’s been a strict matriarch, seemingly well-meaning (who doesn’t, after all, want to be spared from eternal hellfire at the expense of one’s freedom, culture, dignity and a gold dubloon or two?), but always strict and unyielding when it came to rearing her many children.

Spain did, however, bestow upon us that dish that has perhaps most influenced the rice-heavy dishes her bastard children would soon find at their tables: Paella. Originating from the cuisine of Al-Andalus (the Iberian peninsula under Muslim rule) and hailing, more recently, from Valencia, paella is a dish which may consist of soupy yellow rice (or, on occasion, fideos) chicken, rabbit, duck, sausage, a variety of seafood, peas, onions, artichoke, tomatoes and/or rosemary. One ingredient that always colors paella (literally, in fact) is saffron. The inclusion of seafood was introduced by Spaniards outside of Valencia who know what’s up when it comes to yumminess. Seafood paellas can sometimes be black rather than the traditional yellow thanks to the inclusion of squid ink. While paella can often be ordered at various Spanish tourist spots in single-serving portions, it should be noted that, more often than not, paella is cooked for no less than 764 people at any given gathering.

- Presentation 4

- Taste 4

- Ease of Preparation 1

- Amount of Different Cultural Baggage That Went Into Making This 5

Science

So, tallying up all our points in a super scientific, not at all arbitrary manner, we came up with the following findings, illustrated for you with a helpful graph:

Our big winner? Chile! Land of chopped hot dogs served with boiled canned vegetables and mayonnaise.

So next time your trampling through some Latin American country, take a break from your sinful ways (Santa knows!) and try some of the fabulous dishes mentioned above. Despite the points system, all food from Latin American countries is worth trying. Whether it’s a roadside snack from Exotic and Mythical Mexico (TM) (we hear they eat dogs!) or the spicy meat pies of Argentina (oh those Latinos and their hot, sexy pies), there’s bound to be something for you.

Disagree with our assessments? Upset that your favorite country or region wasn’t mentioned? Cast your vote below or tell us how your favorite Latin American dish stacks up in the comments.