Just In Time For Los Reyes: Cheap Hispanic Dolls To Warm Your Heart, Terrify Your Children (In That Order)

EBay user “wildmonarch” would like to sell you a “Hispanic Latina Bride Fashion doll” for only $5.99. She/he/it (shiiit?) has no bids so far, which is truly a shame. Not only does this doll have gorgeous eyebrows, but she’s twice the ethnic beauty that Mattel’s ambiguously brown “Teresa” doll is. Some of this doll’s fabulous features include:

*leather-like tanning
*off-brand label
*Barbie-sized stature (in heels)
*a tiny, Janet Jackson-sized nose
*shiny, flowy extensions

If this doll isn’t ethnic enough for you, we came across the doll below while buying cat food at Dollar General in Mexican-filled Mathis, TX:

Laugh, you fools, but those eyebrows, that blue eye shadow, and that marvelous red lipstick happen to contain magic. [Ed. note: And if you're questioning our classification of a white doll with chola eyebrows as "Hispanic", then you've officially made Alex A. cry.] Really, buying either of these dolls for your young children (Ages 3+) will teach them the essential mantra every young Latina should know: Dress up to get down.

Are we right, ladies?

Hispanic LATINA BRIDE Fashion Doll Dress & Shoes lot [eBay]