Killer Panther And/Or Komodo Dragon Terrorizes Puerto Rico

Officials in Puerto Rico are currently on the search for a wild, cat-like creature that has been devouring several domestic animals. The creature, which is thought to be a panther weighing around 150 pounds, has killed chickens, goats and a motherfucking horse in Caimito, a neighborhood in the Southern portion of San Juan. Others say the creature is actually a Komodo dragon, because why the hell not.

A local man who claims to have seen the animal (There’s always some meddling, comemierda “local man.”) says it is dark and roughly the size of a German shepherd, but cannot possibly be a German shepherd because that is much less exciting. Said the (local) man, assuredly:

“If it’s a feline, it’s very dark. It’s not going to be easy to capture, but we have the people and the equipment.”

We know we’d feel safe knowing a band of neighbors who can’t tell the difference between a panther and a Komodo dragon are lurking about in the darkness with weapons. Obviously, this is the work of the notorious chupacabra and we are, frankly, disappointed that this “local man” would think it could be anything so mundane as a wild, horse-hungry panther-dragon.

Come to think of it…

Jennifer Lopez did recently appear at an event without Marc Anthony…

Oh God, oh God! He’s at it again!

Buscan animal salvaje en Puerto Rico [Univision]