Revamping The Church: Catholic Church Introduces Flavored Communion Wafers. Or Does It?
10 December 2008, 4:15 PM. By Guanabee Staff
Irony is great. Irony is fun. In small doses. But, if we’re going to have to be ironic everyday, we at least want original irony. No more feigned Republicanism or side ponytails. We want stories about flavored communion wafers, damn it. We stumbled across an irony-filled news story while reading our daily Catholic news purporting that the Church was changing its communion wafers to a flavored variety. We read the story totally believing it was true - we’re sure the Catholic Church has a lab set-up somewhere in the world where they are currently testing flavors. But then we came across this quote from “Archbishop Sean Patrick O’Malley:”
“Don’t let it be said that the Catholic Church isn’t a forward-thinking ecclesiastical entity. Whether we’re the first internationally-renowned religion to openly cover-up clergy sex abuse scandals or the first to make Mass taste better, we always have our congregations’ best interests in mind.”
Fine, we should have realized right then that this wasn’t a real article. “But surely,” we thought, “There are self-aware clergy members in the world?”
It wasn’t until we came across a quote from supposed parishioner Darren St. Clair stating “Wow, Jesus never tasted so good” that we fully realized this probably wasn’t a real news organization. Alright, so we’re slow. But it did seem feasible that the Catholic Church would take steps to liven up their rituals. With most Catholics staying at home taking care of their six kids while trying to fit in time to plan abortion rallies, their congregation numbers are dwindling. And with homosexuals (very) slowly gaining equal rights and homosexuality itself being accepted on mainstream TV shows and gay movies, clergy numbers are also down. So we’re sure it’s only a matter of time until…
- Nuns’ habits come in awesome colors like pink, purple, or blue (The better to serve the Lord in!)
- Priests will have multicolored collars.
- Church organs will be replaced with iPod sound systems and Timbaland will be commissioned to produce updated versions of popular mass hymns.
Basically? It’s only a matter of time before Catholics turn into Protestants.
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Seriously don’t see this ever happening. That’s why you have places like the Catholic Charismatic Center here in Houston. Or even the Episcopal church, where some parishes I’ve attended even openly embrace the gay community. They’re basically a watered down version of Catholicism anyway.
Real or not, as a non-Catholic, without a dog in this particular fight, I’m all for religious things meant to go in my mouth tasting better. As long as they don’t taste like chipotle, I won’t raise hell. Why, dear God, is everything chipotle these days?
And, actually, it’s really only mainline Protestants who are all “We are the world” and love sodomy. Thankfully, denominations like the SBC still hate everyone.
Mmm…Jesus never tasted so good!
I love that.