Guanabee Talks To Adrian Chen About His Quest To Help Stephanie Sanchez Win The Quinces Of Her Dreams

Adrian Chen – a young man about which I’ve posted before, much to the delight of everyone – is currently on a mission to help 14-year-old Stephanie Chavez win the “Quinceañera of her Dreams.”

The competition is sponsored by Enlace, a Spanish-language publication produced by the San Diego Tribune that sounds a bit like a calcium-rich supplemental drink aimed at active seniors.

Stephanie is currently in second place behind a girl named Abigail Martin, who believes she should win the competition because, “mis padres no tienen dinero para harcerme mis quince.” Translation: My parents don’t have money to make me  my quince. You can buy quince at Trader Joe’s, selfish.

Abigail’s preoccupation with old-timey pie fillings only furthers the argument that Stephanie Chavez is most deserving of this prize. She has, in fact, already managed to beat Jennifer Lopez. 

Adrian Chen obviously agrees with this assessment and, even though he doesn’t know Stephanie, is hellbent on making her the winner:

I don’t speak Spanish, but according to a terrible Babel Fish translation, the 14 year-old girl who gets the most votes by January 16th will win a Quinceanera complete with “Dress, hairdo, pie, maquillaje, the slime, invitations, photograph, table branch of flowers and centers.” I have decided that Stephanie must win this contest.  Stephanie is currently in second place to some evil (I assume) tart named Abigail Martin. According to my Google Analytics, over 12,000 people have visited Craigslisting so far today. So, we should have more than enough to push Stephanie over the top.

Stephanie, for her part, thinks she’s deserving of having Enlace fund her slime and pie because “mi mama es mama soltera y jamas tendre fiesta si no gano esta promocion. Cumplir mis quince significa much para mi, ya que solo una vez se cumplen quince anos.” Translation: My mother is a single mom and I would never be able to have this party if I don’t win this contest. Turning 15 signifies a lot for me, because I’ll only ever turn 15 anuses once.”

I decided to talk to Adrian about all of this, because it  was important and I was waiting for my Hot Pocket to heat up:

Alex Alvarez: My boss suspects you have a thing for 14-turning-15-year-olds, which I vehemently denied on your part. He just doesn’t understand your motivation to do this, and won’t accept my explanation that it’s because your heart is made of diamonds and Phil Collins songs. Adrian, set the record straight: Why are you so intent on helping Stephanie out?

Adrian Chen: Obviously, I don’t have “a thing” for 14-turning-15-year-old girls.  If anything, I physically resemble them to a terrifying degree—so I know where they’re coming from.  No, I launched this campaign because there is something universally appealing about scrunchy-faced-but-kind-hearted-Stephanie Chavez and her quest to unseat a more conventionally attractive, but fundamentally evil, rival.  It’s the stuff of terrible teen movies, Jane Austin novels, and terrible teen movies based on Jane Austin novels.

Stephanie simply deserves this quinceanera more than anyone else.  I don’t speak Spanish, but I can tell just by looking at the shapes of the words on the page that Stephanie’s “about me” blurb is kind and humble.  She probably wrote something about growing up an orphan, followed by something like, “If I win this quinceanera it will be a victory for orphans everywhere.”  Meanwhile, Abigail Martin, her main competitor, wrote something snooty and condescending about how her father owns a chain of luxury car washes, and because she’s the richest and prettiest girl in San Diego she simply HAS TO win this contest just like she’s won everything else in her sheltered life. (Through no effort of her own.)  And get this: According to my made up translation, the last sentence in Abigail’s blurb is, “Death to orphans.”  I mean, really?

But at a more basic level, I want to rig this Internet contest for the same reason people have been rigging Internet contests since the beginning of www.time.com: Power.  www.power.com.

AA: Excellent. www.eyesocketfistingluvers.com What prompted you to start your Craigslisting site in the first place?

AC: I started my Craigslist blog back in December because I think the Internet is mainly about weirdos communicating to other weirdos electronically, and Craigslist represents this in its purest form.  I wanted a piece of that, so I started doing weird things on Craigslist.  It got picked up by Collegehumor, then reddit and some other websites and now people are reading it.

AA:  If you could have a quinces party of your own, Adrian, what would it be like? 

AC: That’s tough.  I haven’t given it much thought, since as a kid I was too poor, white and male to have my own quinces.  I think I would want a simple party–not like those girls on that crazy MTV show.  I guess, basically, I would just want a cake.  A cake so big it engulfs all the other cakes of all the other quinceaneras in all the world.  A cake as big as the entire world.
 

STEPHANIE MUST WIN. 

You can vote for her at her “Mi Enlace” profile page by tomorrow.

Help Stephanie Chavez win her quinceanera [Craigslisting]