Perez Hilton Is Your Abysmal Future

Guess who’s on the cover of Latino Future Magazine this month, hijitos? That’s right. It’s Perez Hilton. The future of Latin media is, apparently, cum doodles on the mouths of Z list celebrities and with the turn of the new year, it seems the magazine that normally defines the Latino future as some vieja in a bikini has taken a break from their usually scheduled chichi fest to go all Andy Warhol on the cover and conversate with a gay. After a bunch of questions that were relevant in 2004 like, “Why the Perez in Perez Hilton?” (Answer, obvs: “It’s the Latino version!”), Latino Future drills him on the hot and the snot of the Latino celebrosphere. After the jump, find out who Perez thinks is hot and not and whether he feels he qualifies as a Latin media type person. Highlights are beyond. If you dare.

Perez Hilton: Angelina Jolie–She’s more than just a tabloid fixture; she can also open a movie.
[Ed: Or a sweat shop.]

Perez Hilton: Zac Efron
Latino Future: My kids love him.
Perez Hilton: He’s definitely hot and has this magical effect over people.
[Ed: The magical effect of making you gay.]

Perez Hilton: Jennifer Lopez–NOT because she chose not to be hot. She removed herself from the spotlight and I respect that.
[Ed: Plus moms are so fat.]

Perez Hilton: Eva Longoria–Hot Definitely! We may not know her in America, but she is a big international superstar and translates really well overseas. She’s attached to so many campaigns and products she’s makin’ some good money.
[Ed: Sorry, in what American county is Eva Longoria Parker's ugly mug not smiling out at us from the pages of US?]

Also interesting: Perez has to pay his mother to be his mother.

I pay her very well, as you should your mother. [And] I just sent her to Spain for two weeks.

And he thinks being gay is not very Cuban.

I’m a gay Cuban–meaning that just by the fact of being gay means that I’m not very Cuban…but I definitely feel connected to my Cuban roots. I still speak to my mom in Spanish. I love Cuban food. I speak very loud and I’m very passionate.

Wait. We might be Cuban.

Perez Hilton: The Undisputed Queen of Celebrity Chisme [Latino Future Magazine, print only]