“My 25 Things You Didn’t Know About Me” By Hugo Chavez, Facebook Enthusiast

You already knew Hugo Chavez had a totally real, not at all satirical Facebook account- but did you know he was also a fan of those “25 Things About Me” notes? Well he is, and here’s his version, written 100% by us him:

1. My favorite junk food are Pop-Rocks (they tickle!)

2. When I was releasing my CD of traditional Venezuelan folk music I wanted to name it “Soy Un Chingon” but my publicist vetoed me. Killjoy.

3. When I do my thing on Alo Presidente I’m not wearing pants! Haha you can’t see though, cuz of the desk.

4. Once I got hit on by this psycho super model but I had to let her go, cause Chavez don’t mess with crazies, you know?

5. America tried to kill me by dropping a chemical cloud over me. But I foiled their plot by staying inside that day. Suckas! Try again!

6. I’m actually good friends with El Rey, we both just get bored at those long meetings and started fucking with each other for something to do.

7. Also, I dance to this at least once a week. C’mon, like I’d ever do a reggaeton album! I have my fucking standards! But I’ll admit it’s catchy…

8. Russia is my favorite country, besides mi patria of course. It’s just like they get me, you know? They don’t objectify me as some political-genius sex-machine, they just see me.

9. I’m actually an accomplished painter. One of my paintings was so good it went for $255,000!!!

10. My biggest pet peeve is when people don’t switch out empty toilet paper rolls for new ones. It’s just so inconsiderate.

11. When I was 12 my older cousin convinced me I was an orphan so I put Nair in his shampoo and all his hair fell out. I almost felt bad but he’s such a pendejo.

12. I am terrified of cats.

13. If I wasn’t president of Venezuela, my dream job would be to replace Ryan Seacrest. I know I could do a better job.

14. I’m not addicted to coca leaves, that’s just silly, you can’t get addicted to that. They’re totally natural and made by God and if He didn’t want us to feel a nice buzz around 3 pm when we’re getting sleepy and it’s hard to focus, why would He have made this plant for us?

15. I had a dream about Angela Merkel the other night. She had the body of a sphinx and spoke only in riddles and I woke up with a boner. WTF? Lol I need to stop drinking milk before bed.

16. Also if Ryan Seacrest refused to give up his spot, (back to the “if I weren’t prez” thing) I would be a Hollywood producer. I’m really good with people and I have a lot of really good ideas. I would cast Dakota Fanning and Gael Garcia Bernal in a remake of Notorious except this time it’d be a corrupt American businesswoman (played by fanning) to even the score because, hello, Americans are the corrupt ones, not South Americans. Stop type-casting us, guys.

17. I do not support FARC. Please stop asking.

18. My favorite season is Summer. I look best in shorts.

19. If I could ask God one question it would be “Why do we die?”

20. My favorite movie is actually Over the Hedge. The mischievous raccoon character really speaks to me.

21. Once I got voted as one of the “top 5 sexiest Venezuelans.” That’s cool I guess but it hasn’t done shit to get me laid.

22. Those Yankees can go to fucking hell. I cannot stress this enough.

23. Speaking of Yankees, Obama hasn’t been returning my calls and you know what, I’ll be honest- it stings.

24. Voodoo isn’t as weird as a lot of people make it out to be, so plz do your research b4 you make narrow-minded assumptions, ok?

25. I’m so awesome- oh wait you already knew that one LOL!

Inspired by: Wm. Shakespeare’s Five and Twenty Random Things Abovt Me [Boing Boing]