Here Are Your 81st Annual Academy Award Winners, Guanabebes
22 February 2009, 9:09 PM. By Cindy Casares
In case you’re stuck in a cave in Pennsylvania and can’t watch the Academy Awards, (but still have the internet), we’ll be posting the winners here as they are announced. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves in the comments.
81st Annual Academy Award Winners
- Best Actress in a supporting role- Penelope Cruz, Vicky Christina Barcelona [She didn't mention Javier Bardem???]
- Best Original Screenplay-Dustin Lance Black, MILK [Wow, he looks like Crispin Glover.]
- Best Adapted Screenplay-Simon Beaufoy, Slumdog Millionaire
- Best Animated Feature Film-Andrew Stanton, Wall-E
- Best Animated Short Film- Kunio Kato, La Maison En Petits Cubes ["Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto."]
- Best Art Direction-Donald Graham Burt; Set Direction-Victor J. Zolfo, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
- Best Costume Design-Michael O’Conner, The Duchess
- Best Makeup-Greg Cannom, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
- Best Cinematography-Anthony Dod Mantle, Slumdog Millionaire
Break from the awards for a Judd Apatow comedy bit starring Seth Rogan and James Franco… Oh, Judd Apatow, you used to be so cool.
- Best Live Action Short Film-Jochen Alexander Freydank, Spielzeugland (Toyland)
Even though Hugh Jackman is singing “Maria” to Beyonce, Beyonce is not Latina and Hugh is totally not gay.
Speaking of gay, this new council-of-elders style of presenting the Best Actor categories is beyond. BEYOND.
- Best Actor In A Supporting Role-Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight [What can we say? This is a shock to everyone. Angelina's bawling.]
- Best Documentary Feature-James Marsh & Simon Chinn, Man On Wire [That guy balancing an Oscar on his chin is the best thing we've seen all night.]
- Best Documentary Short-Smile Pinki, Megan Mylan
- Best Visual Effects-Eric Barba [Raza!], Steve Preeg, Burt Dalton, Craig Barron, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
- Best Sound Editing-Richard King, The Dark Knight
- Best Sound Mixing-Ian Tapp, Richard Pryke, Resul Pookutty, Slumdog Millionaire
- Best Film Editing-Chris Dickens, Slumdog Millionaire
Thank God Heidi Klum is drinking Diet Coke now. She’s gotten really fat.
Unrelated: Damn, Jerry Lewis is old.
- Best Original Score-A.R. Rahman, Slumdog Millionaire [We have to admit, of all the boring scores they just played, it was the least boring.]
Presentation of the Best Original Song category begins with a performance of A.R. Rahman’s song from Slumdog Millionaire complete with dancers. Hot damn, now you’re talking, Bollywood!
- Best Original Song-A.R. Rahman and Gulzar for “Jai Ho”, Slumdog Millionaire
- Best Foreign Lanugage Film-Departures, Yojiro Takita, Japan
Without question, Paul Newman is the best dead guy on that dead people montage.
- Best Director-Danny Boyle, aka Morrissey, aka Nick Denton, Slumdog Millionaire
Here comes the Council of Eldresses to announce Best Actress.
- Best Actress-Kate Winslet, The Reader [Telling Meryl Streep to just suck it up. That's balls, ladies and gentlemen.]
Seriously cannot stomach the elders for much longer. You’re not curing cancer here, Academy. Get over yourselves.
The fun thing about HD is you can see the makeup on every single one of these macho, legendary leading men.
- Best Actor-Sean Penn, MILK [It remains true that if you want to win an Oscar, play a gay, an ugly person or a retard.]
- Best Picture-Slumdog Millionaire [We sure didn't see that one coming.]
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Get ready for 2009 to be the year of the Indian. We’re going out for some naan. Night, night.
(10) 
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These “real time” updates on the awards are great—I feel like you are sitting beside me watching the awards with me in my living room —why do you think they are running such old advertisements? They don’t have any money to shoot new ads you say? That is really interesting……
Hugh Jackman couldn’t be gayer if he were tongue kissing Richard Simmons to the sound of Sister Sledge.
Heath Ledger won his posthumous award with a side of baba ganoush!
Can a dead guy win an Oscar? Who knows! Who cares! I wanna hear more about the Octamom!
MILK—it does a body good and it wins Sean Penn Oscar gold.
Of course Slum Dog was going to win. *Yawn*
great work cindy
Where was Javier Bardem? I thought it was customary to have last year’s winner announce the new winner. No?
I actually loved the “council of elders” thing, Cindy. And Dustin Lance Black is infinitely cuter than Crispin Glover; two million homo hardens will attest. And what’s the opposite of a homo hardon, cuz that’s what I have for that Beyonce musical number…perhaps the worst, most artless production number EVER on the Oscars (and you know that’s saying a LOT…it was even worse than Snow White).
‘You’re not curing cancer here, Academy. Get over yourselves.’ This is exactly what I was thinking every freaking time they did that.
And what the heck happened to Sophia Loren? I’m kind of sad she looked so scary.