Guanabee’s Guide To Surviving Spring Break Mexico

Colleges are warning kids not to go to Mexico, what with all the rampant beheadings and shootings and whatnot. But are college kids to be denied their sunburns and poor sexual choices? No! In that spirit, here are a few pointers for how to keep your ass in one piece.

First, the killjoys weigh in: “There have been Americans kidnapped, and if you go you need to be very aware and very alert to this fact,” says VP of student affairs at Rhode Island University. The U.S. State Department agrees that it’s a risky time to travel in Mexico, and adds the helpful advice: “Avoid areas of prostitution and drug-dealing.” Thank you, old and stodgy people. Meanwhile the Mayor of Funtown a.k.a. Mexico’s Attorney General says it’s not so bad but to keep your nose clean: “There is no major risk for students coming into Mexico, [but] it is always important to advise the youngsters to behave.”

And what about the students, are they worried about the very-real risk of encountering drug-related violence? “It’s relaxing, it’s warm, I’m a big fan of the beach and the drinking age is lower. It’s a fun place to go, ” says sophomore Daniel Wallace. Well O.K. then. Just remember these helpful tips, to help you act like less of an obnoxious gringa and more like someone who doesn’t want to get shot:

• Shouting “Arriba arriba!” or “Qué paaaasa, Mexico!?” at random passersby will not make you any friends.
• Drinking yourself into a state of belligerent idiocy is probably a good way to meet American girls, but not such a good way to keep your ass from getting beaten.
• If you insist on beads, foam parties and giant sequined sombreros, you forfeit all rights to be taken seriously. Hooting, whistling and wadded up newspaper thrown at your head may all occur, but don’t say we didn’t warn you.
• If a man in a dark alley beckons to you, it is not going to be “a cultural experience.” Walk away.
• So we support drugs and sex in theory (at least, we’ve heard they’re pretty fun?) but really, listen to your government- stay away from drugs and hookers. You’re already out of your element just by being in a foreign country, no need to go skipping into the seedy, ungoverned underbelly.
• No demands to see “the donkey show.” Just…no.
• That special “passport wallet” on a string your mom made you promise to use? Ditch em. Everyone can see the outline of the gross nylon pouch under your shirt,  and all it’s saying is “I have heard that ‘Latin America’ is one dangerous country, and I have no idea what I’m doing.” Stash money in several different locations- suitcase, purse, underwear, put your passport in the hotel safe and don’t be a jackass- use a normal wallet like the other grownups.
• Practice your Spanish if you know it. Bellowing “HOLAAAAAA!” at the beach cabana bartender does not count. Sure revealing your imperfect Spanish/American accent will let people know you’re a foreigner, but uh…they already knew that.
• So you’re going to get spewingly drunk, get your be-thonged ass sunburned and possibly go home with some total hawty from Tennessee State who has a tat of a raptor with a machine gun on his calf- all of these are comparably stellar decisions as long as you always remember to use the buddy system. No, not tag-teaming, we just mean always be aware of where your friends are. Spring break resorts are designed to keep swarms of bewildered, hormonal students cloistered into a little compound of frenzied spending, but you can still fall through the cracks. Tee hee…we said crack.

Godspeed and remember, if any drink, food or potential mate is on fire: Don’t do it.

Colleges warn students about Mexico travel [AP]