Baby Bangs: The Ideal Product For Your Gross, Bald Baby

Do you have a baby? Cute! Does that baby have little to no hair? GROSS. PUSH IT BACK IN. Or get yourself a pair of “Baby Bangs” - an innovative accessory for bald, unsightly baby girls. It’s a baby toupee, or perhaps an adult merkin, that is attached to your baby with a headband. How novel! It is almost like a hat, except sexist and made of hair.

Intrigued? Here’s some more info!:

Our patent pending HAIR+band accessory combination allows baby girl’s (with little or no hair at all) the opportunity to have a beautifully realistic HAIR style in a SNAP!! It’s quick, easy and baby barely knows it’s there. Each Baby Bangs! HAIR+band has been made using only the finest ribbons and fabrics, PLUS our Baby Bangs! come to you pre-customized & size appropriate, cut, styled and ready for immediate wear. The wispy hair strands have been arranged in the cutest most adorable elfish coiffure!

Bald baby boys, on the other hand, are free to resemble misshapen rutabagas without judgment. But girls without the “opportunity” to have wispy, elfin hair will surely benefit from this product. After all, how will she learn that she is expected to aspire to unrealistic and increasingly ridiculous standards of beauty if you, as a parent, don’t start her early? It’ll be heelarious!

The “Baby Bang’s” official site also includes the words “i’m Not A Boy!” scrawled in charming, labia-pink font. Better start conforming to gender norms straight away, lest you grow up to face the wrath of a hundred or so internet commenters someday. 

Also? Do feel free to follow the company’s lead and airbrush your child in photographs, lest someone notice she has dimples or some other offensive mutation. 

[Baby Bangs]